Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Sounds like a boundary problem of both you and your friends. They
    dont know where they "end", as far as what is "their business" and
    you're not making it clear where you, and only you "begin" - as
    far as what is "your business".
    
    What needs to be conveyed to these people is your bounds; what you're
    willing and not willing to put up with from them. For example, if
    one person is saying this and that about you and what's wrong with
    you and all about what you're doing, you can tell them "Look, I dont
    need to hear this from you right now. I need something much different
    from you and if you cant give me that..."
    
    Or, if people are calling you and others out of the blue, let them
    know, pointedly, that it's basically none of their business. Tell them
    if they had a life of their own, they wouldnt need to concern
    themselves _that much_ with yours. Yes, stronger words are needed to
    neutralize somebody who thinks, somehow, that it's their place to
    "meddle" with another person's affairs. 

    	Hope this helps
    
    	Joe

A related problem is the "friend" that nobody else can abide.  

Some persons have personality problems that lead most people to avoid them.
If you are just normally polite, you may get them attached to you like a
remora.  

It is difficult, but essential, that you protect yourself and your privacy
from them.  Doing so tactfully may be impossible.

Face it, there are times when one has to say things that hurt, just to
protect him or herself from leeches.

fwiw,

Dick

      I would have to say that friends are great to bounce thoughts off of,
    but this can become a problem. Why, well because if your not in the
    relationship and fully understand every aspect then how can you form
    educated advice, they can only add or give advice on what the situation
    would appear to be.  This is why I try to keep to only my advice, for
    sure not always easy, but commonly the best practice.  I think people
    deep down know the right answer is but generally seek support of those
    thoughts.
    
    
    Jeff

    I think, too, that misunderstandings can start with friends when you
    (the person in a relationship) just want a sympathetic ear, but the
    friends think you're asking for advice.
    
    Not the same situation, but when my daughter was an infant, my mother
    seemed to have a "solution" to everything--BUT I NEVER ASKED FOR ONE! 
    All I wanted was for her to cluck and commiserate with me, and let me
    tell HER what *I* did to solve the problem.  Finally I learned to flag
    my comments with "this is not a question!" and she stopped "fixing"
    things.
    
    Leslie

    I can understand what your saying.   I think people have to learn to
    believe in what their thoughts tell them to do, this is not always
    easy because emotions are involved.  I have really made a big effort
    to try to think with my head and not my heart in situations of this
    nature, this helps when telling friends that you would just like to
    rattle a little about it and I don't needed advice. I have found that
    my real friends understand, or I'll say, thank you for your opinion
    but my gut tells me what is best for me right now.  I mean we educate
    ourselves by trial and error, plus don't forget the old saying, theres
    no such thing as a failure, just results.  Don't be afraid to tell them
    your on your own on this on, the only thing we control in this life
    is ourselves.  
    
    Jeff 

    Sometimes this could be a problme with my relatives.  that's why
    i enjoy NoTES.  No one knows me, so I can rat on about most anything
    on my mind without too much concern over what readers are going
    to tell their neighbors.  So, that's why I don't tell anyone else
    about any personal afffairs of mine.
    
    Otherwise, if on occasion, co-workers or neighbors wanting to offer
    advice, it goes listened to with acknowledgement but I don't transfer
    back any conversation on a subject, if I don't care to hear them.
     That pretty much coveys the message that I don't really  care
    to expose any more private information.                  
    
    Same goes for my relatives.

    GOOD friends don't meedle... only nosy ones, and those you'd be better
    off without! Be selective of them, and trust only the closest to you.
    Lots of luck, Ana
    

    
    A good friend will listen and *not* offer advice unless asked!! They
    won't tell you things that will hurt your relationship unless it is
    something that will cause you harm. I have found out over the years
    that my best friend is my husband and my sister. They truly have my
    best interest at heart.
    
    Trudy

    Free advice is worth every cent... (gee where have I heard that
    before?)  IT is up to US if we choose to accept the advice and act on
    it, or ignore it and find some other alternative.  I have learned to 
    sound my ideas off many of my friends, and listent to their advice.
    But,  ultimatly, it is up to me as to if I'm going to take the advice
    and act on it, or ignore it or add it to other advice.  As such, what 
    happens is that I take the responsibility for the results.  I admit,
    there are those who have from time to time claimed to be a friend and 
    offered me advice in hopes of manipulating me in some way.  These
    people are no longer considered friends, they tried to use me.  Still, 
    even then I learned a lesson, and it was my choice that determined 
    weather or not they were going to succeed in 'using' me or not.  
    
    My friends are kind enough to tell me "You're heading for a fall unless
    you do this...." and are smart enough to realize that when I say "I 
    don't want to do that, let me take the fall in my own way" that it's
    time to shut up and leave me to make my own mess.  There are a few who 
    know me well enough to be able to approach a subject at different
    times, know how far they can discuss it with me, and know when to drop
    it for the time being.  
    
    I guess it all comes down to respecting me, my feelings and my own
    judgement on a problem.  
    
    Skip