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Conference quark::human_relations-v1

Title:What's all this fuss about 'sax and violins'?
Notice:Archived V1 - Current conference is QUARK::HUMAN_RELATIONS
Moderator:ELESYS::JASNIEWSKI
Created:Fri May 09 1986
Last Modified:Wed Jun 26 1996
Last Successful Update:Fri Jun 06 1997
Number of topics:1327
Total number of notes:28298

1166.0. "OK so we want to start new" by SRATGA::SCARBERRY_CI () Fri May 24 1991 12:44

    I'm not sure how to word this but, has anyone out there had to forgive
    and forget.  I've written an earlier note in this conference about
    remarrying an ex-spouse.  Well, thus far, we are together now. 
    Things are really pretty good right now, but I definitely do not
    want to repeat the past relationship that we had.  I guess that's
    somewhat of a fear I have.
    
    Anyway, we have been talking quite a bit.  I'm still the initiator,
    but at least he hasn't backed off.  So, we've discussed our earlier
    marriage of 10 years ago, and we can not "resolve" our old issues.
     There's no agreement on blame, of course.  He will not or never
    understand why I did what I did, and I can not understand his ways.
    
    So, it seems the only way to get past it all, is to try with time
    and a new relationship, that we forgive each other and forget it,
    otherwise it'll continue to nag at us and only bring us down.
    
    So, I am trying to do this.  We have both definitely improved over
    the last 5 years.  We did not see each other in those years.  I
    moved 2500 miles away.  At this point, it seems so contradictory
    that we love each other and want to always, when in the past 5
    years everything we did proved on the contrary.
    
    I welcome any experiences that may shed some light on this thing.
    As you can probably tell, I'm really not sure how this all comes
    out.
                                                           
    cin
T.RTitleUserPersonal
Name		DateLines
1166.1Do you want forgive and forget?WR2FOR::PORTERA_DATue May 28 1991 11:338
    
    I would be able to share experiences with you if I new to what extent
    you expect forgiveness from your mate. What did you do that your mate
    of ten years can't find it in himself to forgive you for? 
    
    _da
1166.3WR2FOR::PORTERA_DATue May 28 1991 12:1910
    
     Fundamental but, maybe neither of you should forget what happened so
    the memory will serve as a lesson not to repeat the past. 
     Secondly ...your comment about being a great communicator, well you
    probably are, but is your mate a good listener? 
     I will go back and read your basenote. The first time I read it I
    thought it was something you did to your mate, not the other way
    around. 
    
    _da
1166.4XCUSME::HOGGEDragon Slaying...No Waiting!Tue May 28 1991 16:5730
    Just a little bit of personal experience and some thoughts.
    
    Whatever it was that happened 10 years ago (your fault, his fault,
    nobodies fault) has happend.  It's history and you can't change it no
    matter how much either of you dwell on it.  What you need to do rather
    then forget it, is see if either of you LEARNED from it. Have you both
    changed so it won't happen again?  Or will it become a recurring
    problem now that you're trying to build a new future.  
    
    Forgive and Forget is a lousy phrase.  First of all memory isn't
    selective.  Secondly if it was something that hurt or bothered you,
    you shouldn't forget it.  You should remember it, and the experiences 
    invovled so you can be forwarned if it starts to happen again.  That's 
    why we have memory in the first place.  So we can remember the things 
    that hurt us or make us feel good and correct things appropriatly when 
    we start to go down the same roads again.  
    
    Who was right and who was wrong doesn't matter, not 10 years after the
    fact.  What matters is if you both learned enough during the 10 years
    to keep the situations from happening again.  If so, then the forgiving 
    is a lot easier to do, and for the most part you won't dwell on the 
    memories of the past unless they pop up as a warning about things that 
    are happening so you can prevent the mistakes from happening again.
    
    So, rather then discuss the how's and why's of what happened and who 
    did what to whom.  Discuss the problem with an attempt to see if it 
    can happen again, after all isn't THAT what's most important?  Weather 
    or not the problem will happen again?
    
    Skip
1166.5HANNAH::MODICAJourneyman NoterWed May 29 1991 14:3125
    
    Cin,
    
    	A couple of things that have worked for me and my wife
    of 15 years....
    
    	We never try to resolve anything that happened in the past,
    even if it was a couple of days ago. At least for us, trying
    to resolve something equates with assigning blame. Besides,
    we've also found that during arguments, winning isn't.
    So we simply try to express how we feel as honestly as we can,
    and drop it.
    
    	Also, we long ago gave up "expecting" anything from the other.
    I notice that you mentioned that you expect him to know
    your thoughts (or something like that). We've found that to be
    a recipe for disaster, at least for us. Hell, we sometimes
    misinterpret the spoken word, let alone mind reading.
    
    	Anyhow, those were a couple of thoughts I had while reading
    your notes. I hope it works out for you both.
    
    					Best wishes
    
    						Hank