Conference quark::human_relations-v1

         It sounds like you still have some strong feelings 
    for him but you should take into account whether or not he has
    changed for the better.  The fact that he didn't (or doesn't)
    like therapists shows his unwillingness to change at
    a time when he should have (or should) consider it.
    
    Bill

    re.0
    
    My aunt and her husband were divorced for 9 years and then re-married.
    
    Their situation was considerably different from yours.  They didn't
    really _want_ to separate and divorce; but their attempts at repairing
    the hurts was hampered by the efforts to keep things together.
    
    So they divorced.  When they divorced, they both did so in the hope
    that they would re-marry; but they went on with their lives as if they
    would not.  They saw quite a bit of one another; but they also saw
    other people.
    
    The years after the divorce were years of growth and happiness for both
    of them.  Both did well in their careers. Both were able to address the
    causes of the divorce without the constant-sanity-check-to-see-if-
    things-were-getting-better mentality they had fallen into prior to the
    divorce.  Both were able to realise ambitions that they would not have
    attempted while keeping in mind the other and the marriage.
    
    Now they are back together and blissfully happy [well, most days
    anyway -- we all have our ups and downs.
    
    Now that I've rambled on.  They had real reasons for getting a divorce
    and both of them needed to make adjustments.  They never would have
    re-married if they hadn't gotten things clear and squared away -- they
    already knew that more than strong feelings for one another would be
    required for the relationship to work, and wouldn't have made the same
    mistake twice.
    
    People can and _do_ change; but only when they want to _and_ it feels
    right.
    
      Annie

    If he was "somewhat of a drug user" and a drinker, there's *lots* more
    involved than substance abuse.
    
    It would probably be useful for you to read about alcohol abuse and
    related issues, especially co-dependency.  When your ex visits, have
    some candid conversations with him to find out whether he still is
    drinking.  Don't let your feelings for him cloud your instinct.
    
    If your ex has sought help and is really working to get himself
    together, that's great!  If he's still denying that he has a problem,
    he's the only one who can turn it around.
    
    I hope that your visit goes well.  Only you can decide whether or not
    you want to be in a relationship with this person again.
    
    EAP can offer some good resources in this situation.
    
    
    Good luck,
    Judi
    

    While it may be somewhat true that people don't change, it's also true
    that timing is more than a small factor in who gets together with whom.
    What didn't work years ago could work magnificently now.  What worked
    before might not work at all in the future.
    
    In everything one does, one should hope for the best while planning for 
    the worst.  I don't think love is any different.
    
    Specifically, why not try to be open and friendly and treat this person
    as a new person in your life - one you wish to get to know better but
    one who must *earn* a place in your life, just like a stranger would.  
    Then you won't have to worry about a thing - it will be on him to be the 
    kind of person you want, (if he wants to), or not.  The ball is really
    in his court.  FWIW, "drinking and drugging" are, for most people,
    phases.  If it weren't, nearly every 60's kid would be an alcoholic
    crack addict by now.  Where he stands right now on this issue is just as 
    unknown to you as where a blind date stands on it.  Just don't lend him
    any money until you know!  ;-) 

I've not remarried an ex-spouse but I'm currently in a relationship with
a woman I used to see and we had split up.

It feels good to be given a second chance.  While apart, I started thinking
that maybe I had lost a "good thing".

By the way, I felt a bit annoyed that you anonymously say you are
interested in your ex, yet you expect us to non-anonymously tell you our
experiences.  Just sharing my reaction...

    
    Sounds like you may still have feelings for him or is it just a physical
    attraction?  Its important to sort through which is which. 
    
    People can change but you don't know as yet if he has.  Did he show a
    mutual interest in you?
    
    There are many questions to ask yourself and him as time goes on and if
    this turns into a reconciliation.  
    
    Just don't fantasize the situation.  If you think with your head before
    your heart, you'll know the answer in time.  
    
    Judy 

    If you would be interested in a short, but very (for me anyway) book
    that speaks to exactly this issue, I would recommend "Getting Back
    Together". I can't recall the authors, but it should be available in
    any reasonable bookstore (like Waldenbooks or Dalton). The meat of the
    matter seems to be: what has changed? With the right answers (for you)
    to that question, there is no reason at all that a second try can't
    work. Statistically, the odds are better than you might imagine.
    
    

My ex was abusive. A few years after our divorce I attended a support group
for battered women. Let me interject here abuse comes in four categories;
physical, sexual, emotional, and financial. The most important thing I
learned is that abuse is a learned behavior. Which means unless the person
unlearns this behavior and replaces it with a new way to react the abusive
behavior is always there. It may not be obvious at the time, but when a 
conflict arises they learned behavior (abuse) is all the person knows to 
react to the conflict. 

I would suggest you first become informed before making choices. Support
groups are often listed in the phone book. Often one group can furnish
information on other groups. Some suggestions are: Family Violence/Battered
Women, Alanon, Co-Dependent. Books abound in the bookstore and the library.
A recent one I read was Ex-Wives. Sorry I don't have any other info on this
book, but I believe other books were suggested in previous notes. 

Good luck with your future.

Regards,
Linda 

    Re: .5
    
    If you feel annoyed about someone asking for advice/opinions
    anonymously in a personal matter.........then why reply and put your
    own personal experience in???
    
    Re: .0
    
    Maybe the first time around the timing wasn't right......maybe you both
    needed time to grow a bit and maybe now your finding each other again.
    
    I would say you must still feel something for him to be attracted in
    the respect that you are.
    
    -Lynn
    

    I think it's fairly natural to feel fondness for someone you were once
    close to.  A short meeting is not day-to-day living; they're probably
    on their best behavior, and there's no stress or expectations involved.
    Just because you felt attracted to him in that meeting doesn't mean
    you'd really want to be married to him again.  Think about it.
    

    Its not really a question of "does remarriage work?".  Sometimes it does
    and sometimes not.   Its a question of "is this relationship a good
    thing for you at this time?"  From your description it sounds like you
    "found yourself" after the divorce.  There is a risk that you and he
    will fall into the same old pattern, but maybe the two of you have
    changed.  The bottom line is I can't really tell you what is good for
    you; only you can decide that.
    
    There is a book I read called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person"
    by Howard Halpern.  The book is mainly about breaking a relationship,
    but there is a wonderful chapter in it that gives some good advice on
    how to make your own decision to stay in a relationship or get out.
    
    Since you find yourself immediately attracted to him, I wonder if you
    ever really said goodbye to the old relationship or if he did.  You
    both need to do that to start a new one.
    
    Mary

    THANKS FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS!  I WILL KEEP THEM IN MIND.  THE BOOK
    SUGGESTED, WAS INDEED INSIGHTFUL AND GAVE ME SOME IDEAS TO THINK OVER. 
    I, MYSELF, HAVEN'T MET ANY DIVORCED COUPLE THAT REUNITED LATER.  I
    SHALL SEE HOW THIS EVENT WORKS OUT.     THANKS AGAIN!

    I FORGOT TO SIGN MY NAME
    
    CINDY