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I admire you for wanting what is best for your family. Your wife seems
very depressed and overwhelmed by all the feelings associated with her
acknowledgment of her past. She sounds as if she needs more intense
therapy, although its difficult to make this assertion third hand,
non-professionally etc etc. She may need a different support group,
one which will be more proactive in supporting each other outside the
group. She may need a different therapist. But eventually she needs
the will to overcome her past and become whole and healed. Without
that, no one can do it for her. Depression and being unable to talk is
normal in the first few months of grieving and/or dealing with a death
in the family. However, as it goes on and on without change there is
cause for concern. She can get well if she wants to and puts the time
and effort into it and faces the pain, walks through it and comes out
on the other side. Right now, she may not know how to do that or how
to deal with it or where to begin. She may need to change therapists
and/or support groups. You also need to know where the line is and how
to cope and what to do if there is no improvement in your wife's
condition. You may also consider a change in therapists. You may want
to join a support group also.
I don't know where you live but in Massachusetts there is a Male
Partners Group (its group therapy so the charge is somewhere around $30
to $40) at the Center for Sexual Abuse Counseling in Brighton. You can
call them at 617 782-7664 for a brochure on their services both both
men and women, survivors and partners of survivors. Best of luck to
you, you sound very courageous.
Susan
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| I give you a lot of credit for sticking by your wife. You are
understanding that what she went through is very very traumatic,
especially the abuse she has taken. It is odd that is all coming back
to her now, though after all those years of a mind block. I know it
must be tough on the family, but just keep on bearing with her, once
she is at peace with herself, she , your family and yourself will be on
the road to recovery. She conquered the first step by coming to grips
with it and going to therapy. Please keep in mind that you have
nothing to do with this trauma so you know it is not you. I really
hope things go well, please keep us informed.
best of luck
Lynne Sigel
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First, I would like to make a recommendation -- on channel 2 they
have been broadcasting a special series on the family by therapist John
Bradshaw called "Coming Home". It is *excellent*. I would recommend
that you see it, with the whole family if possible. It is 10 parts in
all, with about 1 hour per part. A chunk at a time would probably be
wise.
At least she has cried and told you what's wrong; those are hard
first steps. It's not uncommon for people to block out stuff like
that, especially sexual abuse, until they're even in their 50's or
60's. It's terrible stuff and (on the surface) best blocked out. The
problem that arises is that until we deal with that shame and pain, we
never truly get over it. It sits inside festering, and causing us to
say and do things we wouldn't otherwise.
But be careful of being *too* focused on her -- you *must* take
care of yourself or other problems may manifest. Not to mention the
kids, who need your strength and attention. You have a tough row to
hoe, no doubt about it. I wish you the best.
Good luck,
Brian
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| Re.0
Hi,
You know if you if you look at it from another angle there really could be a
very positive side to all of this.
First, look at the billing
- Sadly, a lot of Vietnam veterans were unable to return to normal life, hold
down a regular job and get married and raise a family. Many still carry scars
that are both physical and emotional, just as many lost their lives and lets
face it many people from all walks of life have problems in keeping a marrage
together and/or raising children.
- Sadly, very few victims of sexual-abuse have the strength to lock something
like that up inside them with the determination to not let it ruin their
life, and to go on settle down and raise a familly.
- Just as I am sure it must have taken a lot of strength for your wife to help
you recover from your Vietnam experiences, it is taking a lot of strength for
you know to stand by your wife, and not all marriages are blessed with that
sort of strength.
There is not religious bias in this phrase, but you know I think in this life
everybody is given a "cross to bear", some very large some comparitively small
(though they may seem large to the carrier), and just as sometimes this "cross"
may be something you are obviously proud of, such as overcomming an injury or
handicap, or raising a familly single handedly, it may also just as equally be
something that people feel so ashamed of that they keep it locked away in a
closet, in other words they bottle it up inside of them, which is of course the
worst thing to do because it eats away inside and is carried in lonliness.
But I don't believe it is what is your "cross" that it important, but it is how
you carry it that counts, those that carry heavy crosses well tend to become
much stronger people, those you carry only light crosses often find later in
life that something relatively small to others is very large to them.
The challenge is to understand at some stage what your so called
"cross" actually is and how to carry it with "pride", and the cross
of "guilt" your wife has been carrying has been a lot heavier than the
cross of one she should of been carried as that of an innocent
"victim".
But even carrying the wrong "cross" may have some very positive aspects
to it, your case, it may well have been the strength your wife aquired in
learning to overcome the emotional scars she must have suffered that
enabled her to have the strength to help you recover from the scars you
carried when you returned from Vietnam, have you ever looked at it like
that. Or that had she been carrying a cross of "self-pity" she may not
have been able to cope at all.
The downside is that I also believe though that people you have acquired the
strength to overcome great obsticles also run a great risk in that the
same strength which used positively enabled them to overcome such hurdles
if at some point used negatively may also destroy them, and I speak from
a little experience there, as something I have had to contend with and
have whitnessed others contending with.
Where I believe the dividing line is, is in that as people strive hard to
achieve the things you want in life you use that strength to push yourself
forward, it is the same determination to suceed as the determination not to let
anything no matter how unpleasant, stand in there way.
The danger is that once you have achieved those goals, there you are with a
massive amount of excess energy and nothing to do with it, often at an age
that coincides with what is comonly known as the "mid-life" crises - what a
combination. What I believe happens is that people who have used strength to go
forward may use that same strength to look backwards at their life, and that I
believe is very dangerous because whilst you "can influence the future
you can't change the past" and yet people with so much strength so desperately
want to that they can end up driving themselves into depression unless they see
the positive side.
We all want to be able to feel good about ourselfs and if there is something
that has happened that we can't feel good about and yet can't change then we
develop a consience or worst still a complex that causes us to hurt ourselfs.
It's really not unusual for people with that sort of complex to want to try in
someway to correct it latter in life, it is I believe the same motivation that
causes wealthy businessmen who have been ruthless in their ways to suddenly
make donations to charity or reformed drug abusers or infact reformed anything
to try and help others.
In you wife's case it was certainly not her fault at all, but if she looks at
how she handeled it she probubaly deserves a "medal", there is a lot of evil in
the world and often in our younger or formative years we are often to naive to
even understand it let alone know how to handle it and we either dont have the
strength or are unable to confide in those we should confide in.
I am sure that for so long your wife must have desperately wanted to tell her
father, and as you say, now that she is unable to it has only compounded her
problem.
But look at it this way, just think about what could be gained from using the
strength both you and your wife have positively, i.e. in finding a new way
forward. Just think of the good you wife would do if she was able to help put
back together the life of just one other victim of child abuse and to help that
child to lead as sucessful a life as she has led.
Look at it another way as well, have you ever reflected on how many of the
arguments you may have had in the past and how many of her behaviours that you
just could understand were driven by something you new nothing about, just
think how good your lifes could be if that "something" became a "positive" and
not a "negative", and I really believe it will once you wife learns to feel
good about herself.
I hope this helps a little, my advice has to be to stick in-there and keep
working at it, stay away from any anti-depressant drugs I dont believe they
ever solve the problem, and keep looking for the good and not the bad that will
come out of this and eventually it will.
So many times you have had to keep looking for the good-side, and use all that
"strength" I mentioned" to keep looking harder and harder if necessary and
eventually you wil find it I can promise you.
Best of luck
Guy.
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