| I'd generally agree with .1 but I'd like to expand it a little. If
actions and words don't correspond then there is definitely a problem
that requires investigation. Many times it is deceit, intentionally
implemented. But it could be that a person changes their mind, e.g. I
say to you I don't like lobster, but you catch (keeping it nautical) me
in a restaurant eating lobster. I could have just decided to try it. A
coincidence, but certainly possible.
But I would think that more than one related instance of saying one
thing and doing another, especially when the words and actions are very
clear favor the actions speaking loader than the words. This type of
dishonest individual can usually be flushed out to admit the truth, and
I would say its usually the actions. I would make an analogy to our
body language which tells the truth far more often than we do. Not too
many liars can defeat an experienced analyst with a lie detector.
Adding to Steve's point, a person could be mentally confused or suffer
from some anxiety problem that makes their words and actions
unpredictable and disconnected. Hope this helps.
Spuds
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| To add a thought to my own question...perhaps what is different is who
the person is lying to in the two scenarios (whether intentionally or
not). In the first scenario (saying good things, doing bad), they may be
lying to you ...in the second scenario (saying bad things, doing
good), they may be lying to themselves.
Debbie
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| >in the second scenario (saying bad things, doing
> good), they may be lying to themselves.
Yup, and they are still lying to you AS WELL.
I have more than once been in a realtionship where the actions suggested that
the other person really liked me but the words said things like "I'm not
ready for commitment" "I like you, but I don't love you" or something similar.
Now its very easy when you want that person's actions to be the truth that
you start telling yourself "He's lying to himself"... in my experience he
isn't... and when it comes to the crunch the words will be used in self-defence.
To give a prime example:
My friend was going out with a girl for 3 years, he told me it was only a
temporary thing "She isn't the one for me". He apparently told her that.
According to him he had made it abundantly clear that they would never get
married. But... he bought a house with her, they lived as a married couple,
he was attentive, loving etc. I kept saying to him... you are being cruel
if you know you don't want to marry her split up now...'cos the way it looks
to her it looks like you are committed even if your mouth says your not. (also,
the actions she didn't know about said he wasn't... I knew he was 2/3 timing
her)
He couldn't understand this. As far as he was concerned he'd made it perfectly
clear by what he SAID that his actions were just for "show".
Guess what? When they split up he said "I told you..." and she said "But...
whatabout the house, car, flowers, loving cards, etc etc"
What it boils down to is as said before, if the two don't match then theres a
problem somewhere that needs sorted out.
Xtine
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| re: .0
There is a very nice little paperback (was?) in the bookstores,
called "<something> Body Language".
The books premise is based on your question: How much can we trust
what we see, compared to what we hear ?
Why do we trust some strangers, and suspect some of our friends ?
The book, in essence, has this to say (very briefly): Peoples
actions TEND to validate what they say. Peoples body language tends
to validate (or contradict) what they say.
HOWEVER: The books goes on to say, that you really can't trust the
body language, because a persons culture and habit may overcome the
intent of their words. And many examples of this are given.
Knowledge of the individual person is crucial to determining
whether or not their actions are truly indicative of what is being
said, and in what context.
Personally, I use the recommendations when I want to attract
someone, and reverse it when I want to discourage someone.
(Awright youse guys .. no comments ... and I know you know who you
are !!).
Many (if not all) of us have heard many others in Religion,
Government, Politics, Education called hypocrites, liars, cheats,
etc ... for what they say (Peace, Love, Caring, Forgiveness,
Honesty, Integrity) are belied by their actions (War, Hate for the
unAnnointed, Cheating, Womanizing, Exploitation of Congressional
Pages, Using positions for personal gains , etc).
Currently (if you follow current news), there is a very big issue
between the Korean Store owners and the Black communities they tend
to serve. Basically (from what I understand) is that the Koreans
are accused being racist, and they say they are not !!
The problem (if 20/20 or Prime Time) is to be believed, is that the
Korean culture says that:
- Do not smile at strangers, as it is impolite, and may make them
think you are being too forward toward them (sexual implied).
- Do not touch strangers, as it may offend them as being to
familiar. (so owners put the change on the counter, an not in
hand).
- Work 90 - 120 hours per week to be successful.
- Share ones wealth with friends, so they too may become
independent businessmen.
I suspect the Chinese learned this cooperation years ago, and even
as we speak, some Black Business Communities are adopting this "self
help" philosophy.
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