Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    Get him some professional counseling for the emotional stuff.
    
    Get him to see a lawyer about the financial stuff...sounds a mess
    to me that he may not be able to climb out of...bancruptcy is
    always an option...seems like he might have very little lose 
    [financially] at this point.
    
    Neither of these things will SOLVE the problems, but they might make it
    possible for him to feel that he is maintaining some CONTROL over how
    he handles them.
    
    Powerlessness [I would think] is much more damaging in situations like
    this than the actual events themselves...one gets to feel like they are
    a ping-pong ball in hell.
    
    God bless.
    
    Melinda
    

    
    
    I second the thoughts in -1.  Get him to a counsellor.
    
    On the school issue, suggest he get a full-time job and
    take night courses.  At least that way he can still
    continue school, but he will also be able to handle
    some of his financial dealings.
    
    On the baby issue, make sure he gets to a lawyer if he
    hasn't already.  It is very important that he remain
    an active part of his child's life.  He should seek
    a clearly defined visitation/custody situation.  Also,
    he may be able to get help for the support situation.
    
    On the car payment issue, sell the car if it is possible.
    
    He does seem to be in quite a situation, but he is not
    alone.  He will need to hear that there is hope for him
    and that his life though it seems to have fallen apart
    around him is not lost.  He can pull himself together
    and help himself on a more stable path.  
    
    Unfortunately this situation is much more common than
    most folks realize.  But there is a way out. You may
    have to keep repeating that to yourself and to him,
    but he will come out of it much wiser.
    
    Take care,
    Michele
    

    Schools and family should EMPHASIZE to stay away from sex... that
    subject does not belong to teen agers, but to mature people who are
    sure of what they get into if they start being sexually active...
    18 is much too early to play the adult role and its consequences (that
    can be, at times, too overwelming to a younster to bear) and still,
    I see very little done on that subject.  The media, tv, advertisements,
    etc, etc, advocate the use of condoms but...none says that the best way
    to end this malady is something as simple as abstain from sex till a
    person is ready!
    I wish with all my heart that your boy can keep his chin up and can
    weather his situation, moral support should help him, understanding,
    work during the day and go to school at night seems a good way to help
    with his financial troubles.  The car is a big drain, does he need a
    new car? second hand cars normally are much cheaper and insurance costs
    can be much lower than for new cars, that's another area to look into.
    He's got a handful of worries to deal with, but thankfully, lets hope
    it won't last for too long and he can emerge from his situation soon
    enough. My heart goes to both of you.  Best wishes, Ana
    

    re: .3
    
    Society already expects 18 year olds to "play the adult role".  At 18
    you can vote, go to war, be tried and imprisoned as an adult, legally
    live without parental guidance, etc.  It would be better if young
    adults were even MORE informed and given a sense of responsibility for
    their own actions.  Seeing the rate at which STD's are spreading among
    "true" adults and the lack of awareness of AIDS (how someone can be
    infected, how it's transmitted), I sometimes wonder if some "mature people"
    should be sexually active.  
    
    Advocating abstinence to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STD's is
    fine, but not in lieu of literature and information regarding human
    sexuality and methods of birth control.  The latter information is VITAL
    in a society where you can die from having sex.
    
       - Larry

    Something I have learn't in life is that usually when things go
    wrong, they all go wrong at the sametime, and I am not sure that
    is simply life or coincidence.
    
    I have said this before many times, probubaly in this conference
    as well, but its like when you go to the doctor and you have all
    these symptoms, his job is not so much to treat the symptoms (though
    they have to be treated as well), but to find and treat the cause,
    for if you don't treat the cause then the symptoms will continue
    to reappear in other forms.
    
    In this case I would sugest that the cause is likely to be, Stress,
    Anxiety, Depression and some element of maturity or lack of it.
    
    The very fact he came home to Mom tends to suggest the latter, and
    sometimes people have to learn about life the hard way, the important
    thing is to now the cause and to have the emotional support to help
    you overcome it.
    
    Words like, hang-in there and dont=give-up come to mind, I hope
    I am not preaching here, but rather speaking from experience, but
    really as I again have found, a problem or series of problems only
    exist if you let yourself be weaker than then, hence the challenge
    in a situation like this to be make yourself stronger and to devlop
    you charracter en route.
    
    That is why I again believe that the strongest people in this World
    are the ones who have had a hard life and had to learn to overcome
    it.
    
    Don't forget though that there are two sides to look at this from,
    both his and his girlfriends, and maybe one additional element he
    is battling with is guilt about not being able to support his
    girlfriend and child.
    
    Okay, thats my two cents worth
    
    Guy.  

    Re: .4  - I second that!!!
    
    Judy
    

    re:  .3
    
    This is not a time for the base noter to lecture, or hear lectures,
    about abstaining from sex.  What is done can not be reversed.  I agree
    with .4 - the better angle for that topic is teaching responsibility
    for sexual actions from the early teen years.
    
    Anyway, in regards to the base noters situation.  I agree with everyone
    - it is not hopeless.  School may have to be put into a part-time mode
    in order to cover the financial situation.  Suggest this to your son. 
    He is more than 1/2 done and that is a lot farther than many people
    ever get.  I second and third the comments about a lawyer.  Are his
    child support payments fair ?  He may have a say about that if he has a
    lawyer (which, keep in mind, can cost quite a bit of money).  Also, if
    he is required to pay child support, then he should have written
    visitation rights with regularly scheduled visits.  You said that your
    son's girlfriend moved home and your son moved back with you, but you
    didn't really state the condition of their relationship.  Was it very
    bad?  or did they just decide to separate and still see each other? 
    This make a very big difference whether things could get nasty in
    court.
    
    Anyway, I won't go on because I'm sure you've considered all this.  You
    son is an adult, and he WILL pull out of this situation.  Most of all,
    he will learn by it.  Out of all bad things, something good comes.  You
    just don't always see it right away.....
    
    Ellen