Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    First thing I'd do is make him get his own phone line!  Then pick
    a calm moment, (when no games are on if that's possible!), and tell 
    him just what you said here.  Tell him you don't want to give him
    an ultimatum and why.  Tell him how you are feeling and why,
    specifically that you fear the two of you may be drifting apart.  Make
    sure you stress that it has nothing to do with football, per se, that
    if you had taken an interest in tiddlywinks or quilt making that 
    consumed greater and greater amounts of your time, he might begin to 
    feel the same way.  Ask him if he's noticed the two of you drifting 
    apart.  You'll be able to tell if he cares about what's happening.
    
    Then it's up to him to decide how important your feelings and his
    relationship are with respect to how important his playtime is.

    I would echo a lot of what reply .1 says...with this addition:
    
    I can understand that you don't want to lay down an ultimatum, and at
    the same time, I hear that you don't want this relationship in the way
    it's going now.
    
    Are you clear in your own mind what you *do* want? - regardless of how
    he responds when/if you sit down and try to discuss this with your SO?
    
    Best of luck,
    Lynn
    

    
    I know the feelings of what you're going through, my SO became
    seriously interested in something else to the point where I felt we had
    little in common, it took us a while, but eventually we tried to become
    interested in something else that we could do together.  Are there any
    of your hobbies that overlap at all?  If so, try making an effort to do
    this together regularly.  We started making wine and beer at home, and
    then joined a wine society, this helped enormously.
    
    Hope you work it through!
    
    
    Chris   :-)
    

    
    
    Hi
    
    I live with a Hockey freak.  I loved hockey before I met him,
    but I can honestly say his involvement has turned me sour on the
    game.  But I do tend to spend alot of time at the arena with him.
    That has helped alot because it gives us time to be together.
    
    Maybe you could go with him when he goes to the games.  You may
    end up sitting there alone for part of the time, but you will
    also become part of a "family" of folks who share your husbands
    enthusiasm for the game.  I love the folks who are apart of his
    "hockey circle".  Try it you may find another woman in your position
    sitting next to you.
    
    
    Michele

    i want to second the "get a separate phone line" idea.
    
    if the phone is ringing constantly for football, you might
    be missing out on calls from family and friends.  if the
    (volunteer) job causes that much hassle, then he should be
    re-imbursed for having to get another phone.
    
    

I have difficulty believing that its "critical" he responds right away to these
calls...

I suggest you get an answerphone, and agree times when you will let the
answerphone do the answering... 

My ex had this problem with his work, people would constantly phone him even 
when he wasn't "on call", and he felt obliged to help.  As he was "on call" 3
weekend out of 4 I insisted that I answered the phone during the weekend "off"
and said he wasn't there.... and could he get back to them... 9 times out of
10 they sorted the problem themselves when faced with no alternative.



Xtine

    If you and he have some sort of commitment to each other for the
    future, I suggest you share with him what you have shared with us,
    simply, succinctly, and without reproach (if possible).  Mention you
    are feeling that the relationship is drifting, and mention how that
    hurts, or stings, or you don't feel he is caring enough about you to
    give you his time (or whatever it is you feel - I don't mean to put
    words in your mouth).  I know a lot of people who are "hooked" on
    responsibility - they feel nobody can do it right but them, and
    everytime something "works" there's a payoff emotionally or mentally or
    whatever - but everytime something doesn't work it's a hook back into
    whatever they're dealing with - be it sales or football or organizing
    sewing bees or whatever.  Ask if he feels he really could ever give it
    up, or let it go for a bit.  
    
    good luck,
    
    -Jody

    re: .7 (Jody)
    
         Your phrase "hooked on responsibility" engaged me.  I would
    disagree with your evaluation of that word in this situation.
    This person is *not* being responsible if he isn't being aware
    of his negative impact on his wife/"primary"-RELATIONSHIP.
    True, he has taken on others, but the problem isn't necessarily
    one of taking on too much responsibility, it's rather more a
    situation of setting PRIORITIES.  From the spousal point of view,
    his priorities are not in order.  Should she express her views
    to him, and he still insists on his current priorities, then the
    relationship would be better served by a redefinition of what
    comprises it (the relationship.)
    
    Frederick
    

    Fredrick,
    
    I think you've misinterpeted what Jody said.  From what I've read
    and can follow she is saying that he is hooked on the responsibilities
    associated with his football interests to the point that he is
    neglecting his other responsibilites. Each time he achieves a "win"
    in it by resolving a problem, it gives him a high... each time he
    perceives a "lose" it makes him more determined to put more of himself
    into it.  A "Catch 22" cycle.  I've experienced it with my Father
    while I was growing up.  It took some major efforts on my Mother's
    part to get him to break it.  To the point where they started to
    talk about Divorce.  That shook him enough for him to re-evaluate
    himself and ALL of his priorities and responsibilities.  
    
    In this situation I think Jody (and others) have the right of it...
    It isn't a matter of phones.  It's a matter of 'Gale feeling she
    is losing something and wondering about the various allternate 
    solutions to just packing it in and walking away from him.  In that
    situation my personal belief is to do what has already been suggested
    by Jody and several other people thus far.  Sit him down and tell
    him how you feel about the entire thing.  That leaves him to take
    responsibility and discuss it with you trying to find a compromise
    or solution to the feelings of neglect that are apparently becomeing
    stronger as the situation remains the way it is.  
    
    Sometimes it isn't easy to broche a subject like that... but it's
    a case of either you discuss it with him... hoping to find a solution
    that will satisfy both of you, put up with it until you can stand
    it no longer and then either discuss it with him in anger or pack
    the relationship in, or just pack it in now without discussing it
    at all.  As near as I can figure those are the only options and
    solutions available... of them I think the first the best.
    
    If you discuss it with him and he refuses to consider how he is
    hurting or offending you with his negligence... then it's time 
    to consider the other solutions of just learning to live with it
    that way... or leaving.
    
    Skip

    He may just not understand how you feel, and the impact its having.
    
    My mother and father have been married for about 32 years, and
    throughout that time have never *really* fallen out - but they have
    always had friendly "banter".
    
    When my father started Bowling all the time my mother complained, but
    he saw it as friendly banter.
    
    From her point of view he was out 4/5 nights and most weekends
    bowling.. and she wasn't "seeing" him.  From his point of view even
    when he did stay in they didn't really "do" anything - they watched
    telly, or read, or she sewed, or he made wine, or gardened... so from
    his point of view it shouldn't matter how he chose to use his time
    seeing as she never did anything "valuable" with his time when she had
    it.  My mother on the other hand needed my dad to be around, just the
    fact he was in/about the house was a comfort to her.  She didn't feel
    the need to "do" anything.
    
    This got to the point where my mother actually packed a bag and went to
    her family for a weekend... she admits she never had any intention of
    leaving she just wanted a break, but by not including my dad in her
    plans she gave him a scare and he suddenly realised that this wasn;t a
    minor irritation, but to her was a major point.
    
    Now, they are working it out much better, he isn't bowling quite so
    much, and in return she has picked up some other interests so that when
    he is out she doesn't feel it too much.
    
    Its a question of priorities, but mostly of making sure that the other
    person understands that this is a real ISSUE... not just something to
    nag about...
    
    
    Xtine