Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    	Normally, I'd think the best thing you could do would be to
    confront the object of your fantasy.  More often than not it seems that
    reality has a way of dispelling fantasy.  (The person doesn't
    reciprocate, you realize it's not as great as you thought, etc.)


    	You say you can't do that, however.  I think the first thing you
    should do is tell your husband SOMEthing.  "I have something on my mind
    that I'm trying to resolve," if nothing else.  The cold shoulder
    treatment is horrible, and a great way to cause a rift between you.
    One that could even become permanent if you're not careful.


    	While I've had fantasies from time to time, I've never become
    obsessed with one.  So how to get it out of your mind is something
    that's hard for me to help with because I've never had to do it.  But
    what I've done in the past is to make a conscious effort NOT to think
    about things that I wish to forget.  Every time I'd catch myself
    thinking about it, I'd say (sometimes out loud even  ;-)) to myself to
    STOP IT.  If I keep doing that eventually it goes away.  You can train
    your mind to do almost anything if you want to badly enough.


    	It sounds to me you'd better do *something* pretty soon.  Good
    luck.


    Brian

I am reminded of the movie "10", where Dudley Moore is obsessed with
Bo Derek, and goes through all sorts of machinations to finally be with her,
only to find that the reality of her is not at all what his fantasy saw.

However, in real life you could get into serious trouble by actually
admitting your fantasy to the one you're dreaming of - I would not
recommend this course of action.

I think that such fantasies are often symptoms of some other problem that
we may not be fully aware of.  Perhaps some discussion with a counselor may
be in order.

				Steve

    
    There's a national organization dedicated to people recovering from
    their addictions and obsessions about other people and about
    relationship and sexual issues.  I know, I've started attending the
    meetings.   I'm amazed to find that the meetings are available EVERY
    day in more places than I imagined.
    
    If you (or anyone else) wants some info on this, send me mail.  The
    organization features "attraction" and not "promotion", so I'd rather
    not give its name in the notes file.
    
    /Eric

    I'm with Steve. See a counselor. I think it would be a major
    mistake to approach the other man. It could turn out to be
    very embarrasing or, worse, could precipiate an affair. If you tell 
    your husband, he might feel unnecessarily hurt. While there's nothing 
    abnormal about your preoccupation, it could have an underlying meaning 
    in your life, and the easiest (IMHO) way to resolve the whole situation
    is to find out what that meaning is.
    
    Eileen
    
    

    re .0 There's a chicken-and-egg question here : Is your problem
    with your spouse the result of your fantasy, or is it the cause
    of your fantasizing ? While he may be everywoman's dream (and you
    sound like you're selling yourself on him) your relationship may
    have a few bugs you haven't worked out, or may not even be aware of
    on the conscious level. The subconscious has strange and wonderful
    ways of sounding alarms to the conscious. I'll repeat what others
    have said - talk to a professional counselor. (It could be some
    little, tiny thing, like the way he eats his mashed potatos, that's
    bugging you, and you're just not dealing with that little annoyance.
    I had a girlfriend once who... :-) )

    If your husband is that important to you, you will not give into the
    fantasy or confront that other person. It is only going to make matters
    worse, and mess up your mind more.  Work on your marriage, even if it
    means going for counseling. In the long run you will thank yourself.
    Dont let a wonderful husband go!!!
    
    
    good luck
    
    Lynne

    I, too, will have to vote against telling either your husband or
    the person you are fantasizing about.  If you feel a need to explore
    these feelings further, a professional counselor is definitely the
    way to go.  If you don't feel that you are to that point, you may
    want to ask yourself what triggered this obsession in the first
    place.  Are you truly happy in your marriage?  If not, in what areas
    do you feel a lack?  Has your husband been away a lot lately, working
    late, or otherwise neglecting your emotional needs?  Have you been
    fooling yourself about something so that you are neglecting your
    emotional needs?  What is the "payoff" you receive from building
    on this fantasy?  I'm sure you may be able to think of many other
    questions.  Just be as honest as you can about this to yourself.
   
    If you want to discuss this in mail, just write me at SLOVAX::HASLAM,
    or HENRYY::HASLAM_BA.  I'll be happy to help in any way I can.
    
    Wishing you an improved reality,
    Hugs,
    Barb

    
    
       As much as I hate to admit it I have the same problem.
    I am also very happily married with an incrediblle little 8 month
    old girl.  I have been having Fantasies about the same woman now
    for about 3 years.  To make it even worse She has the same type
    of fantasies about me.
    
       As you have probably already gathered I told her about these
    thoughts that I have about her, and much to my suprise she responded
    with the same type of comments.  I have gone through periods as
    long as 6 months without a single thought of this person but something
    will come up and remind me about her and it will start all over.
    
       My wife is aware of my "Involvment" and it almost killed and
    otherwise fantastic Marriage.  I don't believe in councilors or
    Pschyatrists(sp) or anyone of that type because of a combination
    of past experience and personal belief that all they can possibly
    hope to do is make you solve the problem yourself.
    
       I can truly feel for what you are going through.  It is not easy
    to deal with.  I have chosen a form of self dicipline to deal with
    the problem as it is.  It works, some but who knows these fantasies
    may have become a part of me over the last few years but then again
    I really believe they will go away after I wear them out.
    
    John C.
    
     P.S.  I make a point of not seeing or talking to this woman.
    

    
    I, too, have to admit that I've had this problem before.
    
    My experience was that it is almost impossible to convey the strength
    of obsession (that's how I labelled it for myself) - it can affect
    you life in a major way.
    
    I support previous suggestions about talking it over with a
    professional of your choice. Digging into my own obsession, I found
    that it was covering a whole host of feelings and unresolved problems
    that I hadn't/couldn't face up to...
    
    There's so much to say around this that it's hard to know where
    to start on the screen. If I can help support you please mail me.
    
    'gail
           
    
    

    
    The only thing that I can think of that hasn't been mentioned so far is
    how are you feeling about yourself as a sexual being?  If you are
    feeling unsexy, maybe that could cause you to fantacize about another
    man.  (Maybe fantacizing makes you feel attractive.)  Or Maybe you
    aren't attracted to your husband anymore and are missing that feeling? 
    I may be totally off-base here.  I just know that sometime one's sexual
    image can have a really big affect on one's life.
    (By the way, feeling badly about one's self is not necessarily you or
    your husband's fault.)
    
    I also would STRONGLY advise against telling either your husband or the
    object of your fantasy.  Personally, I'd flip if my husband told me
    something like that.  He probably does need to know that something is
    wrong, so he doesn't wonder.  Also, there's the Digital Employee
    Assistance Program.  Perhaps they could help you.  I think they are a
    counseling organization available at most facilities.
    
    Mail me if you need an ear!
    Rachael
    

    Speaking as one who has only fantasy lovers at the moment, sigh :*(, I
    recommend NOT saying a thing to either man. It's a lot more enjoyable
    having a man you can hold over one you can just dream about.

    Maybe the problem is that real men are people and have problems, habits
    and emotions that don't clutter the lives of fantasies. A dream can
    leave out all the annoying little details of day to day life that a
    living breathing human creates just by being. Dreams can be nice and
    neat, real relationships aren't. So what's my point? Maybe it's not the
    man you are fantasising about but rather the seemingly easy/passionate/
    no problems version of a relationship. liesl

Re: .14 by HEYYOU::ZARLENGA,

>	I just don't understand.
>
>	It seems to me if you get your appetite outside the
>       home, then maybe it's time to find a new chef.

I think she was talking about the case where she forgoes a
restaurant offering hamburgers --even though she is awfully
hungry-- and is willing to wait for the filet mignon at home. 

If so, I can relate.

-- Ron

    Sheesh!  All of this talk is making me hungry...for food that is!
    
    	- Larry

    Mike
    
    Have you read Nancy Friday's books on fantasies? (Secret Garden,
    Forbidden Flowers and Men in Love)?
    
    They might help you understand about the difference between appetite
    and fufillment.
    
    Bonnie

    Besides, as she said, the reality often doesn't live up to the fantasy. 
    So why give up on a good thing for something which is interesting in
    the short-term but just ain't there for the long-term?

    re: .19
    
    The problem lies when you believe you have hamburgers at home and a
    sharp looking filet mignon walks by.  People fail to spice up their
    hamburgers (add A1, etc.) at home, become bored with burgers, then
    become tempted with filet mignon.  A "good" cook will resist the
    temptation, but that still doesn't solve the problem, soon another
    filet mignon will come around.  A "better" cook realizes his/her
    dilemma and brings home some A1, thereby turning his/her burger into
    something that tastes like filet mignon.
    
    God I love this discussion...   :-)
    
       - Larry

    I have heard the quotation"even if you have a steady diet of
    filet mignon,it's nice to have a little hamburger every now and then".
    
    I do not subscribe to this theory, just thought I would add my
    comments, to this lively discussion.

        ...maybe the filet mignon "walking by" isn't anything more
    than reconstituted soy beans made to look like the real item (and
    who wants imitations?)  Maybe what you dismissed as hamburger
    (because it hasn't been properly prepared) is *really* filet
    mignon dressed down?
    
    Frederick
    

    Hmmm. I've had that happen. It's best to confront the other person ...
    reality is the best counter to fantasy. I don't know that I would ever
    have gotten over it without some sort of honest confrontation. A year
    later she took me up on my offer and I told her I wasn't even
    interested anymore!
    
    A comment on other comments: Here's a Rodney Dangerfield joke.
    
    My wife and I were trying to have sex the other night, but nothing was
    happening. So I says to her "What's the matter, you can't think of
    anyone either?"
    
    								Good Luck!