Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    "Cold Feet" is what it comes to mind.
    He is single, obviously loves, you but a marriage means to start a
    family with 2 children who are not his own, fathered by someone else,
    those children will have to keep seeing their father, and that would
    make an inpact in him.  I think he is thinking about what lies ahead in
    his life and that shows a lot of maturity in him.  Give him time, he
    needs it. Then, time will tell.  No one should rush to commit mistakes,
    every decision should be well thought, with a cool head, (if we did
    more of that, we'd have a lot less problems going around...)
    Allow him the time he needs and that will be at much to your advantage
    as to his.
    Good luck.
    

    There is similar topic in QUARK::MENNOTES - you might want to pop over
    there and read it.  The female base noter has **exactly** the same 
    problem that you are having right now, and there was a lot of good 
    discussion in the topic.
    
    G

    
    You say
    
    	"I know he loves me".
    
    How can you be sure ?
    
    If he hasn't called in a week, maybe he doesn't.
    
    /Eric

    Give him some time but not too much time. You have your own life to
    live. 
    Kate
    

    As to suffering and waiting while someone decides whether you are
    worth the trouble (sorry, but that's how it sounds to me) take some
    time to read Emily Dickinson. The longer he goes without calling the
    less likely he is to return because returning becomes more difficult as
    time passes. All of this is, as usual, IMHO. liesl

	They say that "time assuages,"-
	    Time never did assuage;
	An actual suffering strengthens,
	    As sinews do, with age.

	Time is a test of trouble,
	    But not a remedy.
	If such it prove, it prove too
	    There was no malady.

    I know how it is difficult, hurting, to live that ...
    
    I am not here to give you the solution. I am just here to give you
    my experience, my *wonderful* experience :
    
    I met him in 1984, and immediately I knew that *HE* was the "man
    of my life", my great love ...
    
    I have two children, he has one (he was divorced, and his ex-wife
    lived with his son).
    
    We lived together two years, complete years, because we worked
    together, we were always together, it was a great love, with up
    and with down days.
    
    And down days became more and more important ...
    
    We stopped our relation in the end of 1986. 
    I decided to stop. And I lived a truly hell ! Because it was as
    if I had one part of my body cutten ...
    
    We continued to see themselves sometimes, he always said he loved
    me, but I did not want to see him ; and I always loved him, but
    he did not want to see me ... A fool story !
    
    Last year, he called me, I accepted to see him one more time, because
    he was really in my heart. But after six months, he decided to stop
    our relation (one more time !) ...
    
    And in the beginning of this year, he called me (one more time !),
    he told me that he thought a lot about "with which person he could
    envisage to live and to become old ...". And the unique person he
    saw was *ME* ...
    
    Imagine my surprise when he called me back again ! 
    
    These last months, I tried to live without him, it was truly difficult,
    but I success in living without him, because I could not do something
    to change his attitude.
    
    Today, I am more than *HAPPY*, and I am here to tell you that *ALL*
    is possible : do not forget that your more important responsibility
    is to live as well as possible. And in all things, there is a positive
    and a negative way : try to see the positive aspect (view) of what
    sounds to you a negative situation.
    
    What happen to me is possible to you.
    
    With a lot of love,
    Annie
    
    

                          -< Reflecsive retorts .... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
re: -< You know he loves you, but he says he needs time >-

    Time was when feelings were something predictable and controllable.
    Of course, this is a  fabrication, but easily believable by some.
    
    We have  no  real  control  over our feelings, but rather our feelings
    'tend to follow' the direction that our head leads us.

    To quote again:  "If we can admit to the possibility of change, then
    all is not lost".
    
    What I'm leading up  to (not knowing thee nor he) is that some of us
    have been down this road  before.   So whatever we offer is based on
    our experience, and does not necessarily  portray  the needs in this
    case.

>and having a family of our own someday.  Recently he started to say things
>like no matter what happens I'll always love you, you'll have a special
>place in my heart, you know you could always call me if you ever needed to.

    To me, I think these types  of  expressions  may be an attempt to
    provide a cushion, in the event a fall takes place.
    
    There are people we meet in life and relate  to.  And that no matter
    what happens we will always remember them after we break it off.
    
>He is confused about things and I know he truly loves me.  He doesn't mean
>to hurt me and assures me that "all of this" is not over another girl.
    
    This seems believable to me.  Life is complex enough,  but  when  we
    factor  in  additional  complexities  e  need  to do more than 'just
    decide', unless of course we have prior experiences.

>The last time we were together was a little over a week ago, no call
>nothing????  One of the last things he said to me was it's not off till
>one of us says it's off.  Everything seems to be heading in a more positive

    Does it matter which "..  one of us .." ??   In one manner it sounds
    like someone  being  saved, in case something else doesn't work out.
    At the other  extremity,  it seems cautious ..  a test of sorts, to
    see if maybe you  might  want  to cancel the relationship.  Based on
    other notes we've seen;   some  people  just don't know how to break
    off a relationship, so they set  it  up  to force the 'other one' to
    break it off.

    
>about a week in between each meeting.  No I believe he's "hanging back" 
>because he thinks this is even hurting me more.  I think he feels everything
>feel right when were together and when he goes it's all messed up again.

    This sounds a little confusing.  If  he feels he's hurting you, then
    why is he doing it ??  If  your very intimate when you're together,
    try being a little aloof, or even better ask him what's going on ??
    
        
>I know he misses me, I miss him.  I wonder what he's thinking, I know how

    Calling once a week implies caring ?  I call my mother  once a week,
    but I wouldn't marry her !!  I call my cat every day and really care
    about  it  ,  but  not enough to make any other commitments than the
    convenient owner-pet relationship we now have.
    
>he feels about me.  He cares for the children, maybe he's not ready for

    Many people  care about kids, and once we get mixed up with someones
    elses kids and see the positive impact we can have on them, its easy
    to gloss over some of their mommies ... ah .. shortcomings.
    
>that big responsibility.   Anyone have any insights?

    Sounds like, if all  you believe to be true IS true, that the man is
    just having some second thoughts.   He may also be preparing himself
    to pop the big question, too.    I'm  on  my  third marriage, and my
    second wife thought I was going to  drop  her  the  same  day that I
    propoposed to her.  'Course, he and I  are  not the same.  remember,
    this is based on my 'Learning Experiences', not his.
    
    I hope this leads you to ask more questions,  and to try to get down
    to your own gut feelings about this man, and to  try  to  learn just
    where he is in this.
    
    btw- do these kids have their own water beds ??? q'est que dit ?
    
    Bob