Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    
    The hard-nose in me says don't invite them next time, or invite
    them once more, with the addendum that if they no-show again,
    then that's it......
    
    There's probably a classier way.......
    
    ....Bob
    

    I'd assume that something came up at the last minute, or that they lost
    the invitation, or that they missed the part about RSVPing
    nonattendance, or that they forgot.  I'd probably be snotty enough to
    mention how cool the party was the next time I saw them.  And, if I
    felt like having them to the next party I had, I'd send them
    invitations again.
    
    Ray

This is one of the risks you take with a "regrets only" request.  If someone
actually is required to say that they are coming, then it is more likely
that they'll either come or let you know they're not.  And if you don't
get an affirmative response, assume they're not coming (and then decide what
to do if they show up anyway).

			Steve

    I had the same problem in November!  Only in my case NOT ONE person
    showed up nor did I get any RSVP's!  I called my mom to find out if she
    was coming but she said no - she apparantly never got the invite.  My
    husband and I both organized the party - inviting his relatives and
    mine and mutual friends.  I was very hurt, embarrassed over the no
    attendance.  It didn't bother my husband.  I didn't tell any of the
    guests that I've seen since the party date that no one came.  (why
    embarrass myself again)  I figured I'd just ignore this one incident
    and if I have another party, invite them all again.  But if I keep
    getting turned down by the same people then that's it.  I'm not wasting
    my time!

    
    An RSVP is for attendance only, I believe Lettia Baldridge 
    would confirm that.                              
    
    One can choose to mail/phone regrets on an RSVP but it's not
    required...it is courteous...don't ever expect it
    
    when it comes to relatives I try not to raise my expecatations
    and imagine that they will think as I do...when I do, I get hurt
    
    If you really want your realatives to send regrets, then
    you should specify the means to handle that
    
    As to the idea of not sending them invitations anymore, 
    thats probably something of a very personal decision based
    on ones emotional stability and tolerance ....
    
    christopher

    
    It is acceptable to call those who have not called to either confirm or
    deny. Most people should call to ask the hostess if there is anything
    they can bring to the arty to begin with - just a courtesy measure. 
    
    Sigh... I hate people who do that my second gripe is "drop ins". My
    mother is famous for those...
    
    D.

    The base note's gone by now, but I just had to peek in with a quick
    factoid:
    
       RSVP stands for "repondez, s'il vous plait," which means "answer,
       please."  So, officially it means "let us know *either way*."
    
    Since many people don't know that, I usually hammer it home by putting
    what I want in English:  "please let me know if you're coming or not,
    so I can plan how much food to buy!"  I get about 80% response to that.
    
    I agree in general that no response generally means no show.  If I'm
    being efficient, I call everyone I sent an invitation to the week
    before, to ask if they're coming (if I haven't heard from them) or to
    remind them to come (if they responded and they are forgetful people).
    
    Pam

Yes, it does appear that the author of the base note deleted their note.  I
hate it when that happens...

My recollection is that the noter had issued invitations to some relatives
to attend a party, and had asked for responses only if the invitee was
not attending - this is often termed "regrets, only".  No responses were
received, but the noter was then astonished that none of the invitees
showed up.

				Steve

    
    Actually, Steve I decided to delete thet note because
    I was still feeling angry about it, and thought I 
    would prefer to think it through. A few details seemed
    to get mixed up however. 
    
    Yes, many people did show up, and it was a very sucessful 
    party. Anyone who could not make it called me well 
    ahead of time.  
    
    This was not the problem.     
    
    The problem was 2 very close relatives living 1
    block away did not show, and really the problem was how to deal
    with relatives in a situation like that, which turned
    out to be a deliberate insult. Sorry if I did not make this 
    clear. My astonishment was in their behavior, not RSVPing
    in a proper/improper manner.   
    
    I will note that they had never done anything like this 
    before, and we had a concern they were ill. It turned
    out to be they were just rude. I was annoyed that their
    actions have now split the family into "factions". They 
    did this many years ago, and picked my Mom's birthday to 
    do it again. 
    
    I just figured I was venting my anger in the wrong  place,
    but what they hell, I will let it stand as is and hope
    I have not confused the heck out of you all. 

    No wonder you're angry!  That kind of behavior stinks.   In my view, if
    they want to boycott the party because of something or someone, they
    should decline upfront and say why.  To "score points" by not showing,
    without warning, is childish.  
    
    Good luck dealing with it.  I see two methods, if it helps:
    
    1) Give them the "silent treatment" back.  Don't mention it unless they
    do -- but don't invite them again.  This has the benefit of being
    emotionally satisfying (hah! serves them right!) but the drawback of
    doing nothing about healing the family rift.
    
    2) Do as you wish they had done -- be direct.  Quietly explain how
    angry their behavior made you.  I'd advise face-to-face confrontation
    rather than a letter, if you think you and they can handle it.  If they
    don't listen, at least you've been honest and haven't let them trick
    you into playing their game.  Kill or cure...
    
    Again, good luck.  Pam

    
    We tried to get a straight answer, but alas, we just
    got some poor excuses. As we looked back and pieced things
    together, we figured these relatives had actually planned
    NOT to attend for weeks. The bizarre part is they 
    extended an invitation to my parents the following evening
    for New Year's Eve. (no, they were not busy cooking)
    For some reason they wanted to inflict pain intentionally. 
    My dad queried them again the next day, and they mentioned
    they" dont't give birthday gifts". That was about the 
    5th different excuse we heard. 
                                   
    My feeling is they will no longer be a part of any family
    function I give, and I want nothing to do with people
    who act like this. One is my godmother, and this situation
    will be her loss, I hope. I wrote a very direct letter
    stating how their actions made us feel. That's about all
    I can do! I guess I was curious if other's had relatives
    this miserable enough to behave in such an offending
    manner.....