Conference quark::human_relations-v1

830.0. "Dating Advice (Annonymous)" by RAHAB::H-R Moderator (Jim Burrows) Fri Sep 01 1989 16:16

    This note was written by a member of our community who wishes to 
    remain annonymous.
    
    	I would like to get some feedback from people who
    could give me some direction in resolving some issues I am
    dealing with in a dating situation.
    	
    	I have been dating a women for a couple months who
    is recently divorced but has been seperated from her X for
    about 16 months.  I am very much attracted to her and she
    has expressed similar intrest in me.  Several problems exist
    for me though.  Some I have discussed with her.  She is not
    self sufficient is totally dependent on child support, has
    been married three times, she is 40, is a fearful person,
    doesn`t like herself,lost a child three or four years ago 
    to cancer and is still hanging on to that relationship, was
    sexually assualted as a child, remained in a marriage that
    destroyed her self-esteem and allowed herself to be used as
    a door mat.  
    	
    	With all that you may wonder why I am attracted to
    her.  I`m not sure what the chemistry is, all I know is
    there is something there that I haven`t felt with other
    women that I have dated.  I find her to be a beautiful,
    caring, sensitive, warm, loving woman.  And I see in her,
    underneath all the other problems, a very capable woman who
    has a lot to offer.  She is aware that she has problems that
    need to be dealt with and seems to be willing to seek help.  
    And has expressed her concern over our dating because she
    has things to deal with and I am at the point of being
    ready for remarriage.  Over the 3 plus years I have been
    divorced I have been able to deal with most of my emotional 
    problems and feel that I am capable of having a healthy
    relationship.
    	
    	She has expressed her desire to date other men
    because of her feeling that she is not ready to date only
    one person.  I agree with her feelings yet don`t like the
    idea of seeing her with other men.  And I`m not sure if it
    isn`t just a message to leave her alone or not.  
    	
    	So what I`m trying to do is sort all this out and
    would like some feedback from women, or men, that may have
    been in a similar situation.  Right now, my personal feeling
    is to want to help her yet I don`t think it is helpful for
    her or for me, to be her caretaker.  So maybe the best thing
    to do is just back off and give her the freedom to work out
    her problems.  Yet I don`t want to give her the impression
    that I don`t care.  I have already told her that I do care,
    but actions are really what count.

    She's fortunate to have someone who believes so strongly in her. 
    Obviously, this is a tricky time for the two of you.  You say she seems
    to be willing to seek help.  I think the next step might be actually
    seeking help by finding a professional counselor.  The counselor can
    help her evaluate if she's ready to start dating again and provide
    support for her during that time.  That way, you don't get placed in
    the awkward position of dating her and yet helping her date others.

    Re: .0


    	I have dated several women in the past who have suffered from a
    lack of self-worth.  I know *exactly* (I think!) what you're going
    through.  It's very hard to see someone you care about not give
    themselves the same level of caring that *you* give them.  With one in
    particular that I remember a couple years ago, I tried and tried and
    tried to show her what *I* saw.  I even tried writing a poem for her
    birthday, to try to say in a different way all those things that I
    felt.  It was by far the best poem I've ever written (inspiration
    *does* help), and it turned into the kind of poem lots of women dream
    will be written for/about them.


    	All to no avail.  Slowly, I began to realize that you just can't
    give someone else their own self-esteem.  They have to find it for
    themselves.  It's incredibly frustrating, I know.  You find yourself
    wishing, "If only she could stand in my shoes for a little bit and see
    her as *I* see her!"  But you can't.


    	My advice to you is to let her go.  Let her date other people, and
    you do the same.  Later, if the chemistry really is there and after she
    has gotten a better handle on her self-worth, you'll probably end up
    back together (no guarantees though of course!).  You want to show her
    you care?  Let her go!  I think you'll find that if you tell her,
    honestly, *why* you are doing it she will respect you all the more.


    Brian

As someone who is in the painful process of gaining self esteem,
    I agree with .2.  
   
    You can't do it for someone, what happens is you end up enabling
    that person's dysfunctional behaviour.  Do let her go, encourage
    when and where and how you can.  
    
    FWIW...Kim