Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    I'm beginning to sound like Dear Abby with the same advice for
    everybody . . . but it sounds like you should talk to somebody in
    the Employee Assistance Program.  They're generally very good at
    helping out with work-crisis situations, it's completely
    confidential (your manager will never know), and they can refer
    you to outside counsellors who can help with your family problem. 
    
    Something about the tone of your narrative makes me wonder if
    there isn't some kind of unacknowledged tension underlying the
    surface causes of the fight -- someone's drinking problem, maybe? 
    Something that the rest of the family has agreed should be kept
    under cover, not admitted even in private?  The person who is
    willing to face the emotions and refuses to conspire to keep the
    lid on is always resented and blamed for the family problems. 
    Often they even blame themselves (sounds like you're doing that.)
    
    A friend of mine was thrown out of her family circle for years for
    complaining over Christmas dinner that her father was always
    drunk.  It was the simple truth, but she was blamed for daring to
    say things like that about her father.  She wasn't reconciled with
    her family until years later, after her father finally got
    treatment for his drinking problem.  
    
    If there is a family problem, you probably can't solve it for
    yourself.  All you can do is detach yourself from the old
    patterns.  It will be extremely upsetting for them, but you'll
    have to figure out how much of your own life and peace of mind
    you're willing to sacrifice to keep the family functioning the way
    it's used to.  Did you really have to pick up the pieces of
    planning this function for your sibling after s/he disappeared the
    week before, or could s/he have been left to absorb the
    embarrassment of his/her own shortcomings?  Do you have to go to
    this upcoming out-of-state event?  What are the consequences if
    you don't go?  What are the likely consequences if you do?  
    
    I'm not suggesting you answer these questions here, but they're
    the kinds of questions that I had to ask myself at one point when
    I felt like my family was using me as the family's emotional
    lightning rod -- I was the designated emotional one, and no matter
    what the underlying conflicts were,  everything was fine as long
    as I kept my temper.  And when it got to where I couldn't take it
    any more and I blew up, the resulting disruption was my fault for
    being too emotional.  It spared everybody from having to look at
    the real issues.  When I moved away and quit playing the role,
    there was a lot of tension and resentment over my "defection" for
    a long time.  Any time you change your role within your family,
    it disrupts the entire pattern of family interactions and it can
    be very stressful.
    
    --bonnie

Just to add some clarification around my original note....


The event taking place in a few months is a wedding.
My sibling is marrying, and the rest of us are 
in the wedding party.  Unfortunately, we don't have 
the option whether to attend or not. 

We hesitated to conduct this type of party, because:

1. The sibling getting married has a LONG history of 
troublemaking, being generally immature, and causing
my parents a great deal of heartache. He is the type
of person so obnoxious, you could tell him that and
he would not comprehend HE has a problem. 

2. A young relative and her SO of the siblings and myself have 
trouble when they drink. i.e. they punch each other out, 
and in general cannot handle their liquor. 

3. The other sibling and her mate cannot stand the above couple
because of the fighting, which they have been witness to 
numerous times. 

4. The above players, when together, for lack of a better
phrase "DON't KNOW WHEN TO QUIT". Like walk away, go home, show
discretion, back off. They turn into hysterical raving lunatics,
which is how the evening ended. 

Another factor - many of us work for DEC. We also live in
in close proximity to each other. I'm trying to picture how
future family dynamics will work, because we can't change our 
job or homes currently. 

The dynamics of this mess are so complicated I can't even think.
I have acknowledged my part and apologized to the sibling I
hit, so I have taken responsibility for the piece I owned that
night. The really awful fighting that went on after I left (
and this had nothing to do with me) involve issues I cannot 
understand or address. 

My husband and I are thinking of talking to a counselor who
can facilitate a meeting for the rest of the family. We are 
worried that my other siblings will lose control of we don't
obtain professional assistance. Is this a good idea? 

    You always have the option of not going, even to a sibling's
    wedding.
    
    Why not determine beforehand that you will leave after the
    ceremony (i.e. not attend the reception and anticipated
    riot)?
    
    			-John Bishop

    
    This is my first reply in this conference.  
    
    The previous response is totally correct.  You have the CHOICE of not
    going to a sibling's wedding, even if you are in the wedding party!
    
    Sure, it will cause nasty feelings.  Sounds to me though like there are
    already so many nasty feelings that some more wouldn't make any
    difference.
    
    You can't change other people.  You CAN change yourself and your role
    in a relationship.  When you change your role, the relationship
    changes.  If you start to refuse to be drawn into these family messes,
    eventually your family will realize that they can't bait you or use you
    for the "emotional lightening rod".  I know.....I used to be the
    lightening rod in my family.  I stopped allowing it.  Now the
    relationship is better because my role is being me.  
    
    Just for background, my mother is an alcoholic who kepts totally self
    centered, opinionated, obnoxious, etc when she drinks.  I now walk
    away.  And I do that for me!
    
    Good luck.
    Faith
    

    If some people are expected to overdo it at the bar at the wedding,
    maybe the discrete thing to do is to have it "dry" except for champagne
    for the toast?  - of course, that will only work if your folks, rather
    than the problem sibling who is getting married, are paying for the
    reception, and only if you can convince them to not have an open bar
    (without causing WW III).  Otherwise all you can do, if protocol
    requires you to be there, is to recruit a few like-minded relatives to
    help keep things under control - which may or may not work real well.
    You don't have to stay for the whole reception anyhow; no one will
    notice if you disappear after a politcally-correct interval, especially
    anyone who might be drinking too much - slip away if that is starting
    to happen!
    
    We did not want to have a bar at all at our wedding, just wine, but my
    mother-in-law insisted that the relatives would expect one, and offered
    to pay.  As it turned out, the only person who had a little too much
    was my husband's boss (someone drove him home).  Most of our friends do
    not drink anyhow, or only drink wine, and we didn't particularly want
    to tempt anyone else who didn't know real well who might end up having
    too much, but people were all well-behaved anyhow.  Of course, we got
    to do pretty much whatever we wanted to arrange (unless persuaded
    otherwise as in the liquor supplied by my m-i-l) since we paid for the
    whole thing - that helps!
              

    You say you don't have the option of not attending your brother's
    wedding.  Obviously, you feel obligated to attend and will most likely
    feel guilty if you do not.  Keep in mind that it is YOUR RIGHT to say
    "no".
    
    I agree with .3's suggestion - attend the wedding, but not the reception, 
    since that's probably when the "fun" will begin.
    
    Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself first!
    
    Carol
    

    I agree with the right to not attend the reception, and the
    recommendation of the dry bar.  However, if you have no choice,
    try and make sure you are not scheduled to sit at the same table
    with anyone you think may cause trouble.  Even if you *are* slated
    to be in the "wedding party" proper, try to find some people at
    a remote table who you know, and spend the reception getting
    reacquainted with them, or just shooting the breeze.  And if things
    begin to get nasty - leave.  Immediately.
    
    -Jody
    

	I feel for you for the strain your family relations is putting on you.
Years ago I experienced the same type of family dynamics between siblings and
as I got older and married with a family of my own, I concentrated my 
emotional life on my "own" family.
	I came to realize that ALL siblings tend to disagree, but the real 
problem is that people just don't know when or how to "let go". Have you ever 
noticed in nature how the sibling animals will grow up, mature, and leave to
form their own clan/den/family. I think that we as humans try to artificially
extend relations that were never naturally intended to be lifelong. All 
relationships have a beginning, middle and an end. Even sibling. 
	It sounds like that's where your sibling life is now, with everyone
trying to "get along" in spite of their differences and resentment builds up
and finally an "explosion" due to all the repressed anger/resentment/etc.
	The solution may be very obvious , but for some , difficult to accept-
....leave, and put it behind you. Go on with you life/job/spouse/kids and let
the past die. Ignore weddings/funerals/reunions and any other "staged" events
that you know will cause you discomfort. Don't call/write/e-mail with your
siblings because you can't fight with people you don't deal with. Eventually
they will get the hint and stop bothering you, and you'll be the peace of mind
you deserve.

	I read somewhere of a conversation betwwen a therapist and their 
patient and it goes like this.

Therapist: Then why do you think you let your family keep treating you like
	   that?
Patient:   My family needs me. I love my family. MY FAMILY IS MY LIFE!
Therapist: And how is your life?
Patient:   MISERABLE!

	Case closed.Be happy...


							Mike