Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    This reply is from another member of H_R who wishes to remain
    anonymous. 
    

    
			
			<My story, (a little long...sorry!)>



	First of all, let me say, your note could have been written
	by me!  So much of what you said is true for me, as well...
	here are my thoughts/feelings on this highly personal 
	subject! 
    
>She thought it looked harmless.  I guess both of us were shocked when 
>the test came back "positive" for herpes! 

	For me, it was not that much of a surprise.  I had talked 
	over the phone with a nurse at my doctors office and she
	suspected it before she even saw it.  So I was (I thought)
	prepared.  But I was not.  My reaction was the same as 
	yours.  Very depressed.  Devastated, is a more accurate 
	word.  Having been raised in a very religious, conservative,
	mid-western home I just could not cope with the idea of 
	having herpes. Then I sought out my EAP counselor and was
	told how common it is but we don't hear about is so much lately
	because Aids has taken precedence.  She assured me I probably
	would not have any problems continuing to have "meaningful
	relationships" (I'm single)...etc. 

	Well, it was extremely hard for me to tell the next man that
	I dated and wanted to become involved with, but I did and he
	went thru the roof which totally devastated me again!  So back
	to my EAP counselor saying how wrong she had been.  She assured
	me that if that was the reaction I had gotten then I didn't want
	to have a relationship with that man anyway, since he was not
	mature nor educated enough to understand the disease.  Ironically
	enough the man called me a few days later to tell me he was sorry,
	he had talked with his doctor and found out everything I had told
	him about it was true and that there are ways to have sex and be
	protected against spreading it, etc.  The relationship never 
	continued but not for that reason, there were other things that
	kept me from seeing him again. 

>I'm now at the point where I realize that herpes isn't a venereal
>disease, it's a virus.  It's not fatal.  Even nice people get it.  It
>doesn't need to wreck your life.  It may occur on a very infrequent
>basis.  It's a lot easier to deal with when you have a regular partner.
>With a little creativity and a lot of motivation, you can continue a
>fulfilling sex life. 
 
	Exactly!!  And the sooner more people realize this, the easier it
	will be for all of us who have this virus. 
                       
>l)  At what point in a growing relationship do you tell someone? 

	I tell someone when I feel we are getting close to becoming
	intimately involved.  Since I like to be "friends first" I
	have some time to get to know them and have tried to judge
	how they might react.  This doesn't usually work so I won't
	recommend it.  My last serious relationship (which lasted for
	almost 10 months and ended for reasons having nothing to do 
	with herpes) was very satisfying sexually for both of us and
	we never had any problems with the herpes.  I am lucky in that
	I only have an outbreak about once every 6 or 8 months.  I had
	not had an outbreak since about a month before I started to date
	him and didn't have another til we broke up.  Stress?? You bet! 
	Anyway, he got told I had it after the subject of Aids came up
	in a church service we had gone to together and I knew his feelings
	on that so decided that it would not be a problem.  I also felt 
	that things were going so well with us that if anything would
	kill it, it would be that!  So I wanted to get it out into the 
	open so that if he was going to reject me because of that, we 
	could get it over with.  Well, he didn't reject me because of 
	that, in fact, after tearfully telling him, we had absolutely
	the most fantastic love-making session I've ever had.  Anyway,
	it *is* hard to tell someone, and it's hard when they jump back
	in surprise as if they are afraid to even touch you.  The 
	rejection hurts.  I've had to deal with it about 3 or 4 times in
	the 5 years I've had the virus.  I have had 3 successful 
	relationships during that time where the men totally understood,
	were not shocked or scared away by it.  

	My advice to men out there who don't have it....get educated
	about it (if you aren't already!)  It is not as awful as some
	people think!  And it *is* possible to have a good relationship
	in spite of it, without giving it to your partner!  And don't
	judge the woman who has it!  It is true what the author of the
	base note says.  Sometimes it's hard to know where we got it,
	and that's not because we have sex with just anyone, but because
	of the nature of the virus.  

	Since finding out I had it I have gone to numerous seminars
	and classes about the disease and feel so much better than I 
	did at first.  It's something that many married couples live
	with quite successfully!  

                                                                          
    

    A nit perhaps, but genital herpes IS a venereal disease.  A venereal
    disease is, by definition, any disease normally acquired as a result
    of sexual intercourse with an afflicted individual.

    So did I - until I read the base note.

    re: .-1
    
    Mike, I was responding to:
    
.0>    I'm now at the point where I realize that herpes isn't a venereal
                                  ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
.0>    disease, it's a virus.  It's not fatal.  Even nice people get it.
       ^^^^^^^
    
    You're right regarding HSV I vs. HSV II.  I assumed from the rest
    of the base note that the author was discussing genital herpes.
    If this is note is actually about HSV I infection, the author
    might want to clarify that point.
    
    	- Jerry
    

    This is a reply from another noter who wishes to remain anonymous.
    
    ************************************************************************
    
        
    One winter my husband came down with some very nasty cold sores.
    He checked with our doctor and was told that anyone with active
    cold sores should neither kiss nor engage in oral sex with their
    partner. The version of herpes that infects the mouth can also
    infect the vagina (they are both mucous membranes) and be transferred
    from there to the man's genitals.
    
    

    The only brush I've had with the big H was with an old boyfriend.
     I had just started seeing him (he lived in NJ, so I couldn't see
    him too often) - and he walked in crying.  He told me that "something
    was wrong" and he was going to the doctor the next week.  We talked
    and I hugged him a lot, and we cried together.   
    
    Turns out he was "seeing" a dental hygienist a few weeks before
    - and she hadn't been wearing gloves while working on a patient
    - and...and...and - Herpes I can translate to the lower regions
    with enough frequency to worry me - Herpes II can also translate
    to the mouth area.  Fortunately, his infection ended shortly
    thereafter, and he had no recurrences.  I didn't take any chances,
    though...I made sure he got the medical OK before I proceeded.
    
    -Jody
    

    Re: .7
    
    Yes, this is well accepted in the medical community.  Be very careful
    around cold sores.
    
    				Steve

    I've heard that there are support groups for people with herpes.
    Ask your gynecologist.  If he/she isn't aware of one, maybe he/she
    can find out for you, or keep asking.  I'm sure they exist somewhere.

    What is the difference between Herpes I and II?  If you
    have H-I as a cold sore on your mouth, and transfer it
    to someone's genitals, does it then become H-I in the genital
    area, or H-II by virtue of the fact that it is now on the
    genital area?  
    
    Can someone with good information clear this up for me?
    
    I also saw on the Phil Donahue show that there is an
    organization for Herpes sufferers; almost like a dating
    service, so that no one has to worry about explanations.
    
    Dorothy

    This is quite a sensitive subject to many people.  I would imagine
    it to follow similar coping patterns similar to mourning.  Bouncing
    from shock, anger, denial, acceptance, bargaining and back and forth
    again.  
    
    Regarding note 579.11 - I referenced some of my nursing books from
    the college days and found the following, hope it is of some benefit.
        Taken from Straight Talk about Herpes:
        ======================================
    	WHAT IS HERPES GENITALIS?
                H.G. is an infection on and around the sex organs. 
    		It usually shows itself through an outbreak of sores
    		on or around the penis or the vagina.
    
    	HOW DO PEOPLE GET H.G?
    		The infection is caused by a herpes VIRUS that is
    		transmitted from one person to the next by direct
    		physical contact - through kissing, sexual intercourse,
    		and other forms of sexual activity.  (there is also
    		a herpes VIRUS that causes the familiar "lip sore"
    		or "fever blister" that appears on or around the lips.
     		This infection is called Herpes Labialis.  It is possible
    		during sexual activity to transmit H.L. to the sex organs,
    		and to transmit the H.G. to the lips.  Both types of
    		herpes infections can be transmitted through sexual
    		activity."	
                
    	CAN HERPES BE CURED?
    		H.G. can be treated but not cured.
    
    	
        Taken from Medical Surgical Nursing:
    	====================================
    
    	H.G., type II,  is caused by a virus.  The infection is closely
    	related to other herpes infections, i.e. the classic cold sore.
        The latter is cause by type I which in a nongenital infection
    	occuring above the waist, whereas type II is below the waist.
     	It is possible for cross-over infections to occur.
    
    	CARE:
    		Women with H.G. need to know that it is important 
    		to have regular GYN exams, including Pap smear tests.
    		There is a known association between H.G. and an increased
    		risk of cervical cancer.
                                                          
    	SUMMARY:
                H.G. is one of the most serious of the sexually transmitted
    		infections.  As there is no known cure, it is becoming
    		increasingly more common and has special seriousness
    		for pregnant women.  
    		                     
    To the author of 579.0, if you are interested in more information,
    I have numerous nursing/medical books with documentation.  If you
    are interested in reading it, you can have the moderators contact
    me and I will copy the info for you.  
    
    Also, both references suggested consulting your physician for
    information.
    
    This has been an educational note.  From the documentation that
    I just read, it sounds like it is not as bad as a lot of people
    think, as long as it is treated the proper way to eleviate passing
    on the infection. 
    
    There are too many things we have to worry about today.  And there
    will probably be a couple more added to the list by tomorrow.  
    
    
    

    Herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) and herpes simplex virus type
    2 (HSV-2) are different viruses.  Historically, HSV-1 has been the
    cause of herpes sores in and near the mouth and HSV-2 has been the
    cause of genital herpes sores.  The distinction is not as true now
    as it once was because of the prevalence of oral-genital sex.

    Here's the address of a support group I just stumbled across:
    
    	HELP (Herpetics Engaged in Living Productively)
    
    	HELP/ASHA
    	260 Sheridan Ave., Suite 307
    	Palo Alto, CA  94306
    
    	1-800-227-8922
    
    (The address and telephone number were published in a textbook with
    a 1987 copyright date.  I don't know if they are still valid.)