Conference quark::human_relations-v1

I love my mother, but I do not like her.   I don't like her actions or the
way she behaves....but I still love her.

Penny

    And there are times (like tonite) when I love my kids but
    sure don't like what they are doing!

    
    
    	And SO's too.. I've found myself in the situation where I didn't
    	particularly like someone and still loved them dearly.. That's
    	when you get really confused.. Thankfully, none of those
	relationships matured...
    
    						mike

.0>    Perhaps this is the difference between conditional and unconditional
.0>    love?
        
    The following is taken from a book entitled "How to really love your
    teenager" by Ross Campbell, MD
    
    I think although it speaks about teenagers, it answers .0's question
    nicely...
    
    			CHAPTER 3
	   	    UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
    
    
    .
    .
    .
    WHAT IS UNCONIDITIOAL LOVE?
    
    Unconditional love means loving a teenager, no matter what.
    
    	o No matter what the teenager looks like
    	o No matter what his assets, liabilities, and handicaps are.
    	o No matter how he acts
    This does not mean that you always like his behavior.  Unconditonal
    love means you love your teenager, even when you detest his behavior.
    
    Unconditional love is an ideal.  You can't love a teenager - or
    anyone else - 100 percent of the time.  But the closer you come
    to this goal, the more satisfied your teenager will be.
    
    I, for one, cannot feel love for my teenagers all the time.  But
    I will give myself credit for trying to arrive at that wondereful
    goal of loving them unconditionally.  I help myself by constantly
    keeping in mind that:
    
    	o Teenagers are children
    	o Teenagers will tend to act like teenagers
    	o Much of teenager behavior is unpleasnat
    	o If I do my part as a parent and love them despite their
    	  unpleasant behavior, they will be able to mature and give up their
    	  immature ways.
    	o If I love them only when they please me (conditional love)
    	  and convey my love to them only during those times, they will not
    	  feel genuinely loved.  This in turn will make them feel insecure,
     	  damaging their self-image, and actually prevent them from developing
    	  more mature behavior.  Therefore, their behavior development is
    	  as much my responsibilty as theirs.
    	o If I love them only when they meet my requirments or
    	  expectations, they will feel incompetent.  They will believe it
    	  is fruitless to do their best because it is never enough.  Insecurity,
    	  anxiety, and low self esteem will plague them.  There will be constant
    	  hindrances in their emotional and behavioral growth.  Again, their
    	  total growth is as much my responsiblity as theirs.
    	o For my sake, as a struggling parent, and for the sake of my
    	  children, I pray my love for them will be unconditional as I can
    	  make it.  The future of my teenagers depends on this foundation.
    
    .
    .
    .
    

Love someone and not like them???  Absolutely!!

What is love?? To me love is the recognition of something you believe
special in someone you know.  What is special??? To each person it is 
different. Special may be a divine understanding of humanity, special may 
be an ability to be something unique in the world, special may be a soft 
touch, a kind word, a sensitivity to things unseen in people. Whatever
you define special as it usually effects you in a way the makes you love 
that person. I tend to think that love is a subconscious connection to 
someone who has those things that you respect in the world, and wish 
everyone could have.

What is like?? Like is more of a conscious thing.  I believe you tend 
to like the way someone acts, the way they dress, their personality, which 
may be totally different from their subconscious reality. I think I like way 
I see and love what I recognize as special in someone.

How often do we see people in a way they cannot see themselves??  How often 
have you been introduced to someone, and their vibes hit you one way and 
their personality yet another.  You stop for a moment and think, " Gee why 
is this person acting this way, they don't seem to be the person they 
project??"  You want to say " Stop with the masks, the images, the 
defenses, I know your not that way."  

I believe you can be involved in a relationship, truly love someone, and 
not like the way they behave, not like the fact they are not living up to 
their potential, not like the defenses they use to protect themselves. 

Do you know of someone who has no self confidence, someone who perhaps 
because of previous bad experiences doesn't believe in themselves, and yet 
that person may have the soul of a sweet, kind innocent child, the heart of 
a loving, sensitive, divine person.  That person may act out in terrible 
ways, hurting the world, driving people away with anger, pain, fear, and 
yet that is not really the way that person is, you know better you've seen 
the divinity in them.  In a relationship you may see the divine and know 
that person is better then they act, yet their acts are of fear, and the 
conscious image is abominable, afraid, angry, unhappy.

That person you may love, and definitely not like, for you expect the best 
of someone who has it in them, not the worst, and they cannot be what they 
truly are for they have been told they are not (so many times they have come 
to believe it)

It may be the saddest thing in life to love someone, for what you know they 
are, and dislike them for what they show they are.


 

    
    
    	As a friend once said to me,
    	
    	"Do you love this person because you need him/her,
    	 or do you need this person because you love him/her?"
    
    	Should you love because you need, there does not necessarily
    	have to be a like in there somewhere.
    
    

I believe that when you *love* someone it involves your conscious decision
or will to love... whereas *like* is more like an attitude, a positive or
negative leaning.

Penny

    
    
    Re: .7
    
    Do you really believe that *love* can exist in a relationship built
    on need.  These special relationships, sometimes called * special
    love realtionships * are said to be built on an explicit agreement
    to love someone in RETURN for love, and only exist as long as both
    parties adhere to the agreement.  As stated elsewhere everyone defines
    love in their own way, but I think to love only if loved in return
    defines the word in a way unlike any I've heard before.
    
    
    Needy people have relationships with others out of selfishness,
    not love.
    
    
    

    This reminds me of a line in a song, don't remember the artist,
    that goes like this:
    
    "I love you to much to ever start liking you...."
    
    I guess if you like someone then love someone, it may be difficult
    to go backwards.

    
    re: -.1
    
    The artist performing that song was LOBO.

    
    
    > .5    THANK YOU  On a day when I really don't like my teen age
    twins - two parent/teacher conferences that were awful- I needed
    a way to go home tonight and communicate that I truly love both
    inspite of the difficulties with their academic life right now.
    Your "note" gave me the answer as to how I will do that.  I was
    raised with conditional love and I don't want my kids raised that
    way.
    

    
    Re: .9
    
    I hate to be a wet blanket, but in Womannotes you posted a note on
    "FEAR" which I answered.  If you take a look at the scenario in
    this note, I see *love in a relationship built on need*.
    
    So, my questions to you are:  How can you possibly ask someone else
    if they "really believe that love can exist in a relationship built
    on need" when you apparently do?  Doesn't this make you a bit on
    the selfish side?
    
    Beckie

    Lust, Like, Love, Need???                                       
                                                              
    Personally, I have matured to the point that I FINALLY know the
    difference.  When I met my "ex" I believe it was lust which became
    love and over the years like fell into it (LIKE/LOVE).  During the
    divorce I knew I still "loved" him, but I really didn't like him
    anymore. [reason for divorce].  With my SO today, I REALLY liked
    him before I fell in love.  One must not NEED some*one* else to
    feel complete.  One may want someone else near them to feel more
    comfortable because you enjoy them, but not because you need them
    to be a whole person.  Hence, the difference.  

    	There are times I don't like *myself* too much, but that
    	certainly doesn't mean I stop loving myself.
    
    	The two are mutually exclusive.
    
    						Carla
    

    My sister is in a marriage with a man that she herself claims
    to be a madman.  He spends the majority of his time trying to
    separate her from her family.  He spends their money on cars
    and a motorcycle without even consulting her.  His temper
    is generally out of control and their fights often violent.
    But she "loves" him, she'll admit her marriage is a mess, but
    she can't leave him.  He'll be alone and noone will ever love
    him the way she does.  It's like she's marking time till  a
    real disaster strikes. But she loves him.....
    
    I don't like him very much....
    
                                          cj