Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    i worked with a man whos child was dieing og cancer.
    it was really heartbreaking to watch him and what he went through.
    he expressed the same thing.
    people stopped coming over to his house,children stopped playing
    with his son.
    he was very confused and very hurt by his friends actions.
    he thought that he had no friends.
    the only thing i could tell him was that i thought his friends might
    be scared,maybe seeing his son would make cancer a reality for them.
    people tend to think that it always happens to someone else,not
    someone close to them.its a disease "other" people get.
    i will never forget this man crying in front of me about the loss
    of his friends in his time of need.
    
    i dont know if i was any help to him at all.
    it scared me to see the grief and pain and knowing there was nothing
    that i could say or do that would be enough.
    
    
    				kelly
    
    

    I since the word friends is being used very loosely. Aside from
    that, I will offer, not events, but possible approaches to your
    delemma.
    
    Life is the greatest gift to be received. No matter what happens
    along the way, there is goodness to be had. In our journey, some
    are tested more than others. It appears that you are one of the
    chosen, like it or not.
    
    Translated!  You move forward and get on with life, or sit and watch
    others get on with life. Those of us who may have more of a burden
    to bare are given golden opprotunity to express to the those around
    us how really great life is. Give assurance to those around you that
    whatever the price, to experience life is worth it. 
    
    It is not for the 'chosen' to sit and wait for others to come to
    them and offer comfort. Quite the contrary. It is more condusive
    for the 'chosen' to offer comfort. In taking a pro active approach
    you stay in control. It is when one goes out of control that those
    around you want to offer sympathy.
    
    Try not to judge what peoples motives may or may not be. Try, at
    the same time to understand what your motives are. It is always
    good to realize that no matter how heavy your burden, someone else
    is carrying one just as heavy or more. 
    
    Most importantly is to be aware that people are fantastic. When
    you feel that they may not be, tell them they are. We all have a
    tendency to forget at times, how good we really are. 
    
    One who can identify...............

    First of all, I want to say that my heart really goes out to you.
    
    Secondly, TRUE friends would never leave you at a time when you
    need them the most.  I can't say that I know what you're going through,
    but I just lost my mother to cancer so I know only how it was for
    her.  Her friends came crawling out of nowhere to be with her
    constantly.   They never left her alone, except for when she asked
    to be left alone.  They wanted to make the time she had left to
    be the best time of her life; and a few days before she died, she
    said that it might sound crazy, but the last few months of her life
    where the best of her life.  She said she's never felt so close
    to her friends and family before.  Her friends were very supportive
    to my sister and I, too.  Now, however, is a different story.
    Everybody was constantly telling my sister and I that they'd call
    to make sure we were doing okay, they'd help with the yard work,
    they'd make us dinners, etc...  Has anybody bothered to do any of
    the above?  NO!  I can't understand it.  
    
    I know this doesn't even compare to what you're going through. 
    One thing I found through all of this is that the people in here,
    in these notes, offered me some much needed support.  Also, I might
    suggest that you get in touch with someone from employee assistance.
    It must be almost unbearable to go through this alone.  If you ever
    need someone to talk to or just want to pound it out on the keys,
    feel free to write me!
    
    Amy

RE: .0

I know how you feel, about being deserted by people when you need them. In your
case, your problem in Cancer.  In my case, it was divorce and child custody.

First off, you are right.  People don't want to be around Bad News.   Somehow,
they feel like it will rub off onto them.

Second, a lot of times, people don't feel that they *can* do anything to help.
A lot of it depends, on what kind of 'help' you want.  Do you want to be
'cured', do you want sympathy, do you want help dealing with/accepting the
problem?  People don't want to try to help you, if they feel helpless.

If you want to be 'cured', a lot of times there is not much that other people
can do for you; or at least they do not think that they can.  If you want
sympathy, you will find enough people at first to bend ears, but in the long
run, it is nonproductive; you get tried of bitching, and other people get
tried of listening to you bitch.  If you don't find a solution to the problem
in some other way, you will wear out your welcome.

Third, partly, people do not want to be helped.  Sometimes they resent it. Most
of the time they do not want to be a burden.  After a certain point, you cannot
*ask* for help from a lot of people, because you do not feel that it is your
'place' to ask that much of them.  You don't want to ask *too* much of people.
And people don't know how to help.  They don't know what to offer as help.

In my case, what I wanted was a fair and equal agreement of child custody and
support, one that gave both of the parents equal rights, and responsibilities
with the children.

Unfortunately, there is no one who could/would make the mother see reason. Sure,
I told a lot of people about my situation, and they agreed that I was getting
screwed; but there was nothing that they could do about it.  They could/would
not straighten out the situation.  The fact the the legal system does not give a
hoot about fairness, equity, reason, or even justice, made it possible for her
to sit back, and say 'I have all the marbles, I don't need to do anything.'

I could get lots of sympathy, but that would not help me.  What I was looking
for, was a way to solve the problem, not sympathy.  I did not feel that I was
'broken', and needed to be 'fixed', and made to accept the situation. I refused
to accept the situation.

I can't say that I blame people for 'deserting' me.  I don't even really feel
deserted.  A lot of people put up with a *lot* of **shit** from me. It was too
much for some people, and they left, but I can't blame them.  But none of them
could really help solve the problem.

I suppose the next step would be 'what cannot be cured, must be endured'...
That's fine if it's something with an end in sight.  But when it is something
that has no end, or which will end in death regardless, then I feel you have to
ask 'why is this worth enduring? is this worth enduring?'. 

Jim.

    
 	I want to give you a hug so concider this an electronic hug.
    
    Three years ago my father died of cancer.  It did not need to happen
    for if he had gone to the doctor sooner it could have been cured.
    My parents lived in Campton N.H. at the time which is up by Waterville
    Valley.  I went up to spend weekend often to be near him and to
    help my mother.  What bothered me the most was my brother, who lives
    in Vt.  He never went to see our father and I had a hard time dealing
    with that.  But after I thought about it for a while and knowing
    Paul the way I do I realized it was because he loved him and could
    not face seeing him sick.  He felt that he couldn't do anything
    to help him and that in turn made him feel helpless.  I did experience
    some of these same feelings.  It was very hard to visit even though
    he was very open about the whole thing.  I know he wanted to see
    me and was glad just to have me there even if we did not talk about
    his illness.  The hugs meant a lot to him from me and from his friends.
    
    You do need that support, even if its just being with someone and
    never mentioning anything about your health.  You need friendly
    hugs and most of all you need to keep a positive outlook about yourself
    and the world.  Think positive thoughts and imagin yourself well
    at all times.  The brain has amazing power try to use that power.
    
    My thoughts are with you and if you want to talk sometime just call.
    
    Suzanne
    

    I just returned from a funeral of a much loved Aunt.  She died of
    cancer after four years battling the disease.  I am still thinking
    about her life and the variety of emotions her disease created with
    herself and the one's she loved.
    
    I think the important thing to remember is a serious, terminal illness
    does not immediately give one the status of sainthood.  My Aunt
    went to her grave with some unresolved issues that she was responsible
    for.  But she had somdear friends and family that gave her a fond
    farewell.
    
    I think that we sometimes feel that we *deserve* something....if
    we are poor....if we are sick....if we are a minority....whatever
    and that is when we get in trouble.
    
    But somehow the situation resolves when we begin to separate our
    situation with our perception and expectation of other people. 
    It is my experience both in sickness and in health that the only
    person I can expect something from is myself....and that attitude
    has improved my perception of other people's actions.  
    
    You will be in my thoughts....and you have my compassion....and
    you could have my friendship if *you* wish it.  Good Luck!

    I have lived with the grief of family members dying, but I want
    to respond to .0 from the other perspective.
    
    Currently, in my group, there is a person who has a family member
    dying of cancer.  I have tried to be supportive, to listen when
    an ear is needed, to provide back-up when the job has to be covered,
    etc.  But one thing that this person has to realize is that, no
    matter how all encompassing the situation is for her, my life is 
    going on just the same.  The day-to-day realities of the job don't
    go away, so sometimes I walk away after spending some time with her and
    she needs more from me.  It's not because I don't care, but because
    I have to focus on other things.
    
    G

    
    Hi...I'm Brian...I'm 22...Here's my story...
                  
    
    In September, 1982, a large(mass of a baseball), benign, tumor was
    discovered on my brain.  It was inhibiting the flow of spinal fluids
    in and out of my skull causing simultainious swelling and compression
    of my brain.  They(ha! the fools) said I had about a week to live.
    My only chance was surgery that was sure to create some brain damage.
    I chose surgery(good choice).
    
    Needless to say, I'm alive.  And the reason I'm entering this in
    is because what I see(I may be wrong, of course) as your main your
    main problem isn't the fact that your lacking support/friendship
    from other(although you might be).  That's secondary.  First, before
    you look elsewhere, look to yourself.  God, I got so frustrated
    in the hospital seeing people giving up.  And the weaker their wills
    were the worse things got.  And then not only them, but everyone
    who cared for them, suffered more.  Strength comes from within.
    It's the spirit of the soul that heals, physically and mentally.
    
    Sure it's nice to have someone to hold, to stand behind you.  But
    you've got to give them a reason.  Only by giving will you recieve.
    
    I wish you the best...and I hope for you
    
    

    re .8 Thank you Brian. 

                                  
    In the past I have tended to be a reader of Notes rather than a
    Writter, but seeing this conversation moved me to change my spots.
    
    Again, writting this note, I have to keep pausing to think about how
    to say what I want to say without saying the wrong thing, and in that 
    strange sort of way, I can at least understand some of your "stay at
    home" friends, although that is NOT to say that I can sympathise with 
    them !                             
    
    I agree wholeheartedly with the points made in Reply 422.8, as you
    should never even think of giving up, but instead think of what's
    known as the "principle of the second best", namely, what has happen has 
    happened, and given this change in paramater, how now do you make the 
    best of things.
    
    Again with reference to 422.8, it is at this point that you are now asked
    to summon the sort of strength that you never even knew you possessed
    (BUT YOU DO), and start fighting back, doing this without the regular
    support of your friends is even harder, but just watch the sort
    of respect you will obtain when you do. 
                                                      
    
    The only antedote I can offer, is that as a child , and following
    a serious road crash I was left in a coma, with what the doctor's
    described to my parents, as no chance of pulling through.
    
    Fortunately, as I was unconcious at the time, I couldn't here them,
    so I did pull through. 
    
    All the very best 
    
    Guy.