Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    Maybe *HE* is deaf, or at least hard of hearing.

    
    	...sounds like boyfriend type 4:
    
    		"Bigfoot" otherwise known as "Mongo, Lurch, He-Man,
    		Grunt"
    
    	Quote: "Shut yer trap - I'm thinkin"
                      
    	Advantages: Can tote bales, easily fooled.
    	
    	Disadvantages: Can break you in half.
    
    
    	I dont think this sounds like there's *anything* wrong with your
    sensitivities as a person. *Anyone*, save another "Bigfoot", would
    react and feel similarly to the way you are. Dont put yourself down
    as a result of *his* behavior. Sounds like he has a chip on and
    is taking it out on you, which is something you just dont do to
    another person.
    
    	Joe Jas

    
    I wouldn't say you are overly sensitive; I would say your
    friend is INsensitive.  It sounds like a classic case of
    disrespect to me - intentional or otherwise.  Respect is
    ALWAYS (sorry, I *had* to shout! |-) ) a two-way street.

    How can one be expected to respect an individual who seems to
    be constantly walking all over him/her, especially in front of
    other people?  I don't think this friend of yours has any
    respect at all for your feelings.

    Forget this relationship.  It will probably never change for the
    better, but only get worse as your friend continues to boost his
    ego at your expense.  Are you expendable?

    Kip
    

    I was married for many years to a man who continuously shouted.
    I tried all kinds of ways to have him respond to me softly.  I
    talked softly to him, tried preparing him for what I was going
    to say, to no avail.  He still shouted at me.  For a long time,
    I also would apologize to him, for what I didn't know.  I used
    to feel that I was the cause of his shouting.
    
    Along with the shouting, he'd continuously put me down; "WHAT'S
    THE MATTER WITH YOU?  ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING?  CAN'T YOU DO
    ANYTHING RIGHT?"  I chose therapy cause I thought I was going
    crazy.  Why was this person shouting at me all the time?  Well,
    it turned out he had not respect for himself and, in turn, no
    respect for me.  We couldn't have a decent conversation, cause
    he'd start shouting, and I'd back down and stop talking.
    Needless to say, he shouted his way right out of our relationship.
    
    No one deserves to be shouted at for any reason.  Someone with
    a low self-esteem sometimes will treat others (especially the
    people who care for them) poorly, shouting at them, berating them.
    This is the only way they can feel good about themselves by trying
    to make the other person feel lower than they are.
    
    Keep in mind, please.  You are not too sensitive!  Your friend has
    a genuine problem.
    
    Charlene

    dump him ..... and take the boat with you_:-)

        As someone who is extremely force in personality and who has
        upon occasion been accused of being dominearing (and not
        *completely* without cause), please allow me to temper what has
        been said, although if you have reported the objective reality
        accurately, I will in the end concur with the others.
        
        It is possible to be too sensative, to hear criticism that
        wasn't intended in positions that are put forth adamantly. The
        zeal and occasional vehemence with which I have put forth my
        views on things have at times been taken as denials of the
        validity of the beliefs of those with whom I disagree. None-
        the-less, I very much value those who disagree with me, and
        recognize the validity of their positions, even the positions
        that I disagree heartily with.
        
        Try to be sure that when you hear "shut up", that that is what
        he is actually saying, that it is not merely an inference you
        are taking from the way in which he presents his views. If he is
        saying that, then I agree that he has a problem. (So do you, but
        your problem is *him*.) It isn't a problem you can fix. Only he
        can, and it is highly unlikely that he will choose to on his
        own. If you conveyt to him how important it is to you, he *may*
        be motivated to fix it. If he is it will take time.
        
        If he doesn't choose to fix it, then you are left with two
        choices, live with your problem or live without it. If he is
        just "a friend", I would say that he is not the right choice as
        a room-mate. (I take it from your talk about the problem "at
        home", that you are sharing living quarters.) If he is more of
        the "significant other" class (spouse or approximation thereof),
        you'll want to evaluate carefully how good a trade-off he is
        before you let the relationship go a lot further.
        
        I won't suggest as others have that you "dump him". I do suggest
        the following: Begin to be a little more self-assertive. Stop
        letting his behavior make you feel guilty. Convey to him in as
        non-threatening a way as possible how strongly you feel about
        this. If for instance you don't think you can live with this
        behavior, say so, but also say how badly you would feel living
        without him, suggesting that living with him but without the
        behavior is the ideal. Having conveyed that, give him a chance.
        See if he is really trying (not merely claiming to) change. See
        if he is really improving. If in the end he's not, then get
        on with your life.
        
        JimB. 

    I think .1 suggested it with tongue somewhat in cheek, but don't
    overlook the possibility that your friend is shouting because HE is the
    one who's deaf.  If he has had a hearing problem for some time and is
    afraid to admit it, it could have undermined his self-esteem pretty
    badly, especially if he's relatively young.  He could believe that
    a good offense is the best way to defend himself against possible
    insult, so he'll get you before you get him.
    
    It's not clear from your account of your relationship whether there is
    any evidence for this interpretation, but if there's any doubt,
    the best course is for him to get medical attention.
    
    My aunt-in-law (is there such a thing?) nearly created a permanent
    family rupture by picking fights with people rather than admitting
    she had a hearing problem.  Since she finally saw a doctor and got
    a hearing aid, she's on a thousand per cent better terms with the
    rest of the family.
    
    On the other hand, your friend might just be a colossal jerk!

    --bonnie

    If me were thee, I'd say "don't tell me to shut up as I find it
    really offensive, and I won't shut up.  If you are upset with something
    I said, tell me what and why, without telling me to shut up.  If
    you don't want to talk about it, say so, but be advised that I don't
    like to be told to shut up and that it bugs me enough to make me
    want to leave; do _you_ want that, and don't know how to tell me
    to get lost?  I'm not trying to threaten you or anything; it just
    seems that I am doing soomething you hate, and I know you are doing
    something I hate, s lets try to work it out."
    
    But I talk better on paper (or on the tube) than I do face to face,
    so I'd probably cop out and send him a letter.
    
    Lee

    People are telling you to dump him, but they are not doing the dumping
    easier said than done. I am sure that has gone through your mind
    more than once. being yelled at is not a fun way to live, you do
    start to lose self-respect for yourself. Being the kind of guy i
    used to be, i would fly off the handle and yell, but it really never
    did any good and the relationship would just fall apart. Then i
    would just find myself alone again, and that was no fun! I would
    try to find a reason to blame someone else, but i was the DOPE.
    My mom and dad would yell all the time, and you say you would never
    be like them, but i think sometimes you are. but that was when i
    was young (23,24) now that i am an old man of 32 i can see how dum
    that all really was. i guess you can say i grew out of it and plus
    all the hurt yelling would cause. I guess what i am saying this
    can be controled, but he must want to stop it, and if he does not
    who knows what it might lead to later on in the relationship. maybe
    violence, and no one needs that.
    so look at all of your options, and do what you think is best for
    you, if you are not happy, there is no way this thing can work with
    you two, and make sure he understands that completely.
                                             terry

    Whether you dump him or not is your business.  It's up to you as
    to how much you can stand.  My own level of tolerance for such behavior
    is my business.  My concern is whether that mental/vocal abuse has
    the potential to turn into physical abuse.  If someone thinks that
    they can consistantly cow you with yelling and speaking "down" to
    you, they may also think (eventually) that they can hit you, too.
    I am NOT saying that people who yell are people who hit!  What I
    AM saying is that is that the potential exists.  What seems to be
    happening to your opinion of yourself is scary enough.
    
    Please be careful, and most of all take care of YOU.
    
    Good luck,
    
    Jane
     

    I would like to thank each of you for your input, you have been
    very helpful.
    
    I really don't want to dump the fellow, on a whole he is a nice
    person.  I am learning to hold my ground, be a lady and at the same
    time demand my respect.  You can rest assured trying to do all of
    this is a job at times.
    
    Many of you have indicated that my friend might have a hearing problem,
    if he does it is one of those where he hears exactally what he wants
    to hear.  It is funny when you turn the tables on people like this,
    they seem to change their tune.
    
    I have taken time to look at my friend and some of his back-ground
    He has always been use to having his way, he was an only son, he
    always conned his sisters into doing his work.  His father was in
    the Navy and was gone most of the time, in short he was spoiled
    by all of these women.  Therefore he still expects everything to
    be done for him and everything is suppose to go his way.  Well,
    you guessed it, I was not cut from a mold to do everything for a
    man.
    
    He always wants to get someone to cut the grass, if he can have
    that then I should have someone to clean house.  These things are
    in being talked about at present.
    
    Thanks again!!    

Re 355.13 by MSDSWS::NADAMS 

Sounds like your have things pretty well in hand. I've also spent time 
with people who try steamroller tactics.

For me, the best tactic has been responding in a neutral, nonchalant 
fashion.  It's tough, but it seems to reduce the foam about their fangs.
People who yell often bank their fires when no one yells back.  And 
acting neutral reduces my own adreline so I don't get mad. Also, I'm 
willing to escalate.  If neutrality doesn't work after several efforts, 
I can return fire:  hollers, cussing, throwing, slamming doors. Me Too!!
    
>    He has always been used to having his way ...
 
One of grim lessons of history:  No one is ever given power. It is taken.
Just like women were never given the vote; our grandmothers fought for it.

>    He always wants to get someone to cut the grass, if he can have
>    that then I should have someone to clean house.  These things are
>    being talked about at present.
    
Why talk.  Call folks you know and find someone to do it.  It seems to me
that we fems are too cheap about our own wants.  I think most people have a 
"money threshhold" that controls how much money we can spend on a whim or a 
mild want.  And when I look at my friends, the men have a much higher
threshold than the women.  From people I've asked, with good incomes, it seems 
to be roughly $30 to $10.       Meigs (her miserlyness)