Conference quark::human_relations-v1

    NO advice here, just sympathy!
    
    My brother is blind, and is not self-supporting, so I "maight as
    well" be an only child, too.  My mother is 64, and is sometimes
    getting a bit forgetful.  She gets along OK by herself right now
    (after she recovered from my father's death, a year and half ago),
    but what to do if she has problems later??  She lives 1500 miles
    from here (they moved out to the Midwest right after I graduated
    from college; I live in Massachusetts), and is a very independent
    lady.
    
    I also worry about what will eventually become of my brother.
    
    Let's see if anyone has anything more constructive to offer...?
    
    /Charlotte

    I've got a similar situation with my mother, aged 81.  Dad died
    two years ago, and since that time I've noticed a steady deterioration
    in her reasoning and memory.  I think that it probably is due to age
    and a gradual withdrawal from life in general.  She lives alone
    in a large home and has little interaction with her peers (what's
    left of them).  It's a difficult situation and clearly not very
    pleasant, but unfortunately fairly common with people in this age
    group.  A good physical check-up can probably determine if there's
    a specific physical problem or if it's due to ageing/deterioration.
    
    Good luck.
    

    Not exactly the same situation for me, but for my mother (54) who
    is taking full responsibility for an elderly aunt (78) who recently
    broke her hip.   Her real problem is that she refuses to eat properly
    even now in the convalescent home (I'm not hungry, I have no appetite)
    so is healing poorly.  My Mom is concerned about how she will care
    for herself when she goes back to living in her apartment (subsidized
    housing for the elderly).  Trying to get her to eat and take
    responsibility for her own health is like dealing with a stubborn
    child.
    
    No solutions here, but my Mom and I have started to discuss how
    she wants to be cared for when she is older, if she cannot continue
    to live independently.  It's too easy to ignore the fact that
    parents/relatives age and will near care.
    
    G

    
    Re all of the previous, I think it is important to remember not
    to infringe on the privacy and independence of old people.  As long
    as they haven't totally lost their minds or are bedridden, they
    are still adult individuals deserving of respect.  If an older woman
    wants to keep her own home, I don't think it's up to a daughter
    or son to take steps to put her in housing for the elderly.  I think
    it's important that people be concerned about caring for elderly
    parents, but it shouldn't be carried to the point of denying old
    people their basic rights.
    
    Lorna
    

True, but if that older person *cannot*/is unable keep up their own home, then
something must be done, either by that person, or by the people 'responsible'
for them. 

Jim.

    Re: .5
    
    ... the problem often lies in the fact that the older person isn't
    aware of their condition. Since they "haven't got a problem", they
    get defensive about anyone trying to help.
    
    If there is an 'up' side to Alzhiemer's, it lies in the fact that
    the afflicted *don't* remember some of the degrading things done
    to them in their best interest.
    
    My grandmother told me in no uncertain terms she would *never* give
    up her apartment for a nursing home. She told me this as I was driving
    her out the driveway for what was (unbeknownst to her) the last
    time. She has *never*, in the 2 years since, made reference to the
    apartment or her belongings.
    
    Edd

    
    Well, no one has answered the question.  I'll try.  Without testing,
    cat-scan, blood-work, etc., you can not tell if its Altzheimer's
    or just confusion.  I have a father-in-law who is has altzheimer's.
    Sad.  Symptons:
    
              memory lapse for recent events.  He remembers his
              childhood, but can't remember yesterday or a minute ago.
              
              given simple directions, its immpossible for him to follow
              them.
              
              babbling to himself.
              
              forgetting his children's names.
              
              parinoid (sp?) of simple things, like his reflection in
              a mirror.
              
              
    There is help/support groups for Altzheimer's families.  Maybe they
    can help with a solution or even send someone out to talk with your
    mother.
    
    I hope she does not have this horrible condition.  Its said and
    only gets worse.
    
    If she is just forgetful you;ll just have to make it your business
    to check on her more often without being a real pest.  That's not
    easy.  Make arrangements with neighbors to call you if things don't
    look good, if their good neighbors they'll monitor your mother's
    activities and very quickly notice any deviation from the normal
    daily routine.  They won't interfere, they'll help.
    
    Good luck.
    
    GOG
    

    
    Depression is a much more common illness among older folks (and
    younger ones, too!) than Alzheimer's disease. Of course, nobody
    can tell what is wrong with your mother from reading the notes file.
    But you do suggest many symptoms of depression: loss of interest
    in daily actvities, antagonism, loss of weight, etc.
                     
    Has something happened in the past several months to make her feel
    depressed? 
    
    I suggest you try to get her to an understanding doctor. By
    "understanding" I don't necessarily mean a psychiatrist (and she
    probably wouldn't go anyway, and the suggestion would make her more
    antagonistic), but a physician that she has confidence in, and who
    is familiar with the problems of older people. You might talk beforehand
    with the doctor saying that you think she may be depressed. Medication
    or simple reassurance from the doctor may be a big help.
    
    Good luck. 
    
    -bs

    I think you may be right about the depression.  She wants to go
    out and dance, as an example, and says that there are no men to
    dance with.  She detests the idea of line dancing with women.  I
    can't blame her!  But there are so few healthy, single older men...
    I appreciate all your replies.  I don't feel so alone with this.
    I even called a volunteer agency that needs and wants Seniors to
    help in community activities.  I mailed my Mom the list of places
    and telephone numbers, and I think she has misplaced it already.
    Sometimes this is almost funny, but not really.  Our society still
    makes old folks feel unneeded, and my Mom is a worker.  Even now
    she works in the kitchen at her Council on Aging in order to help
    those less fortunate than herself.  Physically, she is in excellent
    health.
    
    I think I will take one suggestion you gave and speak to her doctor
    without her knowledge.  Maybe he can give me some ideas.
    
    Thanks.
    

    a friend of mine solved her mothers aloneness by hiring a house
    keeper who came in daily,(she was hired through an agency).  The
    house was still mom's, she had company, she had someone around who
    helped her maintain her independance, and someone there in case
    of emergencies.  My parents are still working so I haven't had to
    deal with this sort of situation yet, but the more I think about
    it, I will probably do the same thing.  A housekeeper to just assist
    around the house, who is there everyday, doesn't make the parent
    feel incapable, it's more like having someone around to help out
    cause they need the job(??????).  I don't know how to explain this
    very well, but I know there are ways to explain why I'd want to
    pay someone to be at mom or dads house daily without making it appear
    that I don't think they could take care of themselves.
    
    vivian