Conference quark::human_relations-v1

	It all depends upon how well you can just "grin and bear it".
    This ability is primarily influenced (but not totally controlled)
    by your current mood.  The rest is all based on conditioning.  I
    think some families entertain a more open atmoshpere than others.

	My parents, for example, rarely argued in front of us while we
    were young.  It was somewhat unsettling then, when we (as children)
    would try to argue either amongst each other, or with my parents,
    both situations were quickly stopped.  The usual punishment (aside
    from the REALLY BAD STUFF), was being locked in your room alone.

    	None of this really prepared me for expressing my anger with people.
    Instead, I would hold feelings in.  "Grin and bear it" became my slogan
    for years.  It wasn't until college that I finally decided to try and
    deal with my walled-in emotions.  Since then, it's been a real battle,
    but I am finally beginning to crawl out of my shell.  I can relate
    pretty easily in this medium (admittedly, sometimes more efficiently
    than in person), and I'm still working on "live" situations.

	In summary, feel lucky to be able to speak your mind on the spot.
    It's a talent that not everyone is able to even practice (much less
    develop).  The consequences can be risky, but it's better than living
    with the thoughts all walled-in.

							-davo

    re .1  - tear down the wall
    
    A specific technique for tearing down walls is to accept the challenge
    of finding the likable aspects of the disliked person.  The challenge
    goes something like "are you strong enough to handle the negatives
    while you search for the positives, and are you strong enough to
    handle the possibility that you might fail to find any positives".
    If you accept the challenge, you may discover a neat person, or
    at least improve your own feelings about your work world.  On the
    other hand, you may be dealing with a person with *VERY* low self
    esteem who is intentionally dislikable because they feel they don't
    deserve friends.  I can't handle the latter, and leave it alone
    when I determine that is what is going on.

    
    Working with someone you dislike is far easier then having to deal
    with this person socially.  Approach the person in a work_only
    arrangment.  No coffee breaks, no lunches unless work related. 
    Don't talk socially about anything, no gossip.  And, very important,
    don't talk about that person to others in the office.  Thus, this
    wall now up is a work-only, non-socializing wall.
    
    The environment works, I've used it.  The results are positive for
    the group, the projects (I'm a programmer) and most definitly a
    plus on your review.
    

    
    
    I've been accused of the very same thing. I was never one to hold
    back my feelings or thoughts. But at the same time I live by one
    rule I don't lie, so if asked you get the truth..
    
    Anyway many times you will be thrown together with people that for
    some reason or other they just don't rub you the right way.If you
    were on the street it would be easy, but you're not.
    
    The best way is talk when necessary and business related.If thrown
    together for whatever reason do the best you can.The company is
    great so hang in there because sooner or later you can move along.
     When you leave for the night..Forget it,leave your problems at
    the desk.
    
    There have been times when no matter what I did I just couldn't
    stand my working peer. I sat down with this person and told him
    my problem. I thought.........and so on. It worked out to the best.
    we each had our jobs to do and we did them..many times together.
    I concentrated on my work and not my feelings. Finally I left the
    company. In good graces with high marks. And I still can't stand
    the.... today.
    
    What I'm saying is it works form me to say it as it is, but that's
    me. I'm not about to get worked up and hold in something when a
    few words will do the trick.  BUT never said to offend anyone.
    
    Life is too short, there are more important things to worry about.
    
    Cal.
     

    Just be careful!!
    
       especially if the person you dislike happens to be the friend
    of the boss.  It's easier to try to avoid the sticky points and
    find some common ground for a business relationship.\
    
       Some managers will view a lack of social relationship as friction
    and even use that as a basis for reviews.  Personnel should be our
    advisors on this topic.  I'm assuming they have the experience to
    deal with topic.
    
       Good luck,
    
        GRG
    

    In a previous job I used to have regular meetings with this
    guy.  He and I did not get on well.  His voice was irritating,
    his ideas were stupid, his face was ugly, the meetings were
    a waste of time, it would have better for the company to shoot
    him rather than hire him....
    
    Then one day the meeting was postponed to _after_ lunch, rather
    than just before.  Guess what?  He was a perfectly ok-type guy.

    Point of story?  Strong feelings of "dislike" may not be about the
    person at all, but about the situation.
    
    				-John Bishop

    It is often a human trait that we dislike something in another person
    that we dislike in our selves. If I find myself reacting very strongly
    in a negative fashion to some one, I can often deal with them better
    by examining my own motives and determining just which of my "buttons"
    they are pressing.
    
    I have also found that sitting down and talking it out with a person
    with whom you have to work will go a long way towards improving
    an acrimonious situation. It is very painful to expose yourself
    to someone you dislike and takes a lot of courage to try and turn
    a negative situation around. You can however turn a negative situation
    into a neutral or even a positive one in many cases.
     

    My God, what a button you pushed when you said "sometimes it is
    oneself."  It immediately brought to mind the time I was in group
    therapy - going back almost 20 years.  I loved group - wouldn't
    miss a session if I was running a fever!  Best gossip session in
    the world! (Obviously, you know I wasn't taking it seriously to
    my detriment).  One night, we had a newcomer.  An angry man.  I
    took one look at him and my back hit my chair - and I kept trying
    to back away.  It wasn't too long before our therapist noticed what
    I was doing and asked why.  I was speechless (to know me is to know
    that THAT is extremely unusual).  Finally, after everyone looked
    at me questioning why - I said to this man - I don't like you. 
    He was shocked - Lady, you don't know me.  How can you say that?
    I gulped and gulped again - and finally said - "Because I see me
    in you - and more than that - I see my mother in you - AND I DON'T
    LIKE YOU!"
    
    Need I say that the rest of the session was - well, just quite a
    session.
    
    
    P.S.  He left the group after 2 times - I continued.